Marketing a GOAT

By Kieran Richardson

From: Chad Datachek

Sent: Today at 8 AM

To: Bob Roi

Subject: Client Transition

Bob,

We won the Brady account. They said I’d be perfect. I’m the dude who made Goat Yoga go viral… Anyway, I was hoping you could tell me what didn’t work.

Thanks,

Chad

From: Bob Roi

Sent: Today at 8:10 a.m.

Repy To: Chad Datachek

Subject: RE: Client Transition

Chad,

You realize this is “Tom Brady” – the Greatest of All Time. Google it.

Bob

From: Chad Datachek

Sent: Today at 8:20 AM

To: Bob Roi

Subject: RE: RE: Client Transition

Bob,

Googled-- WOW. Tom Brady is a marketer’s dream. Johnny Unitas with normal shoes and human hair. A college bench warmer who can’t run or jump but grows up to be the GOAT and marry a supermodel.

How could you screw this up?

Thanks again,

Chad

From: Bob Roi

Sent: Today at 8:30 a.m.

Repy To: Chad Datachek

Subject: RE:RE: RE: Client Transition

Chad,

Marketing this man is branding hell.

We did everything to make him human. After $100k digital ad buy, his draft tryout went viral. People laughed at him, not with him.

We paid Michael Strahan $1000 every time he said Tom was “tough” on TV. Good Morning America got 100 death threats from grandmothers in Indianapolis. You can’t win America’s heart if elderly Hoosiers want to kill you.

We even told Tom to get a dog. He got a pit bull.

You can’t win.

Bob

From: Chad Datachek

Sent: Today at 8:45 AM

To: Bob Roi

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Client Transition

Bob,

With the goat yoga on TikTok, we staged them like cat videos on YouTube from 2005. Can you just stage him like Jordan?

Much appreciated,

Chad.

From: Bob Roi

Sent: Today at 9:00 a.m.

Repy To: Chad Datachek

Subject: RE:RE: RE: RE: Client Transition

Chad,

Tom Brady will never be “like Mike.”

He cheats like a Houston Astro. He deflates balls and deletes phones. He hides behind his coach’s sweatshirt, his lawyers, and his wife. When he goes outside, children flee.

Jordan committed adultery and gambled like Al Capone. He stuck his tongue out when he dunked on people.

Brady is completely faithful. He won’t even eat gluten. I don’t even think Tom Brady has a tongue. Have you ever seen it?

People loved Michael Jordan even when he had a Hitler mustache -- or drank Scotch and slurred his stories through his bloodshot eyes. But for 3 months, “The Last Dance” was more popular than Jesus.

Brady has perfect makeup to hide his plastic surgery and Botox paralysis. Perfect lighting and perfectly sober. But people treat “Man in the Arena” like a documentary on the Devil.

Look at Twitter:

Robert Reed

@RCReed40

#TomBrady laughed when Scar threw Mufasa off the mountain top

pietro

@baduomo

#TomBrady will destroy all your hope and dreams

Kieran

@KieranBullshit

Rooting for #TomBrady is like rooting for fascism.

Do a focus group. You will find out. This is Mission Impossible.

Bob

From: Chad Datachek

Sent: Today at 9:05 AM

To: Bob Roi

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE:RE Client Transition

Bob,

How about a licensing deal – did you talk to Nike?

From: Bob Roi

Sent: Today at 9:50 a.m.

Repy To: Chad Datachek

Subject: RE:RE: RE: RE: RE:RE: Client Transition

Chad,

Goddammit, of course, we “talked to Nike.”

But Tom Brady made us go with Under Armour. Complete with the British fucking “u”.

Can you name any other American with Under Armour?

No, you can NOT!

Under Armour made Brady cover up his Nike logo during the Super Bowl. It should have been his ultimate triumph… but the story became: “greedy pretty boy can’t afford to offend his corporate masters.”

But OK that’s all the marketing guy’s fault…

You know on second thought, maybe hiring Goat-Yoga Chad is the right move. Maybe Tom Brady can keep his mouth shut, not look at the camera and climb on people while they do planks.

I’ve had enough marketing the G.O.A.T. Maybe you can do better marketing him as a goat.

Good Luck with that.

I'm done.

Bob