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Man Committed to Fantasy Football League Despite Recent Death
**The below is from our archives, we’ll be back with new stuff Wednesday, August 23rd!**
DES PLAINES, IL - Local man Roderick Stewart has reaffirmed his commitment to managing his team in the ‘Des Plaines High ‘97 Crew’ fantasy football league despite his recent tragic death, End of the Bench has learned.
“I know everybody was thinking I was going to quit. Hell, I bet some other teams in the league were probably hoping I was gone for good…BRIAN,” wailed Stewart’s ghost when EOTB caught him floating around town late last night. “Well, I’ve got news for the league and for fucking little bitch boy Brian…I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.”
Stewart was killed last month after being violently struck by an oncoming bread truck while crossing Thacker Street.
Traffic camera footage later revealed that the former chiropractor, who finished second place in the league last year, was killed almost instantly after veering out of the crosswalk while checking his latest Yahoo fantasy alerts.
“Had he just looked up and waited 10 seconds to cross the road, we probably wouldn’t be sitting here talking about this right now,” a source close to the league tells EOTB. “That’s how committed to fantasy football he is. The guy literally takes no time off, even in the afterlife.”
No word yet on how Stewart plans to handle the in-person draft, but “all options are on the table,” a source tells EOTB, including an A.I. proxy, Ouija board, or Google Hangout.
End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.
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