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Major League Baseball’s New Rules, As Explained by Monopoly’s Rich Uncle Pennybags
Pass Go, pick up a run.
In a press conference this morning, America’s most famous mascot, Rich Uncle Pennybags, addressed members of the media to explain the new rules for Major League Baseball ahead of the 2023 season. As the recently appointed head of the Joint Competition Committee, Rich Uncle Pennybags worked tirelessly with the committee to improve the pace, action, and entertainment value of America’s favorite pastime. Below are some highlights Rich Uncle Pennybags shared with media representatives about some changes fans can look forward to this season.
The baseball diamond at each Major League Stadium will undergo a redesign to look like a Monopoly Board.
Each team will choose a Monopoly theme that best represents their home state and team’s spirit. For example, the Kansas City Royals will have a “Wizard of Oz Monopoly” baseball diamond, the Miami Marlins will have a “Golden Girls Monopoly” design, and so on. The Mets and the Yankees will compete against each other in an actual game of Monopoly to see who will win the “New York Monopoly” design. The loser will get the “Friends Monopoly” baseball diamond.
The umpire will take on the role of the banker.
He will distribute $1,500 in Monopoly money to each active player. If a player runs out of Monopoly money, he will be asked to leave the game and another player will take his place.
The number of bases will increase from four to 40, to reflect the number of spaces on a classic Monopoly Board.
This will reduce the space between bases, which will allow for more action in a shorter time frame. This rule was written with players’ safety in mind. It will also increase fan engagement because everyone knows 40 is better than four.
A pitch timer will be implemented to increase the pace of the game.
Players can’t stay on a base for longer than 15 seconds with bases empty or 20 seconds with bases loaded. This new rule will reduce the length of the game so fans won’t complain about an overtime game cutting into their DVR recording of “Family Guy.”
The size of the bases will increase (again).
This increase will allow players to put hotels down on each baseball square. It will also be a safety measure to reduce player injury because players will have more space to stand around the aforementioned hotels.
All players will start on the base marked “GO.”
Each time they pass “GO,” they will collect $200 Monopoly dollars.
New shift restrictions will be implemented to help players increase their batting averages and show off their athletic prowess.
Three infielders should be positioned on the CHANCE squares, while a fourth should stand behind “FREE PARKING.” When the pitch is in play, these infielders should be positioned on the rubber.
Baseball terms will be renamed to reflect classic Monopoly pieces.
A foul ball will be referred to as a “top hat,” a double will be a “thimble,” a home run will now be a “battleship,” and so on and so forth.
No player may borrow or lend their Monopoly money to another player.
Each player must accept what the ball has dealt, with no exceptions.
When players land on the “GO TO JAIL” base, they will be escorted to the dugout and can resume play when the next inning begins.
Because sometimes the baseball game needs to be long and drawn out, much like an actual Monopoly game.
If a player lands on a base with a hotel owned by the other team, he must pay rent money to that team.
Failure to do so will cause rejection from the game and most likely jeers from fans.
The winning team will have the most hotels on the Park Avenue base (or Special Edition equivalent) at the end of the game.
The rich should get richer.
The price of hot dogs will increase to reflect current inflation rates.
This is now an official game rule, as hot dogs are a culinary symbol of baseball and their price should be treated with all the due diligence capitalism requires.
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