- End of the Bench
- Local Sports Team's 10-Game Moral Victory Streak Snapped
Local Sports Team's 10-Game Moral Victory Streak Snapped
By Doug KolicTORONTO - Local sports team, The Hillside Chupacabras, had their ten-game moral victory streak snapped last night, with an improbable win in overtime. Head coach Peter Debrowsky, who should have been all smiles after finally getting off the schneid, instead expressed disappointment in the post-game presser. “We’re still a little stunned around here. During our moral victory streak, we accepted the fact that we were always the second-best team. We started appreciating the small wins that came with lowered expectations, like arriving at the arena on time or somehow beating the point spread,” Debrowsky said. “Winning is a new thing to us, and I’m not sure how to handle it.” The Chupacabras were given a standing ovation by the faithful home crowd, but that joy wasn’t shared by Debrowsky. “When people expect so little of you, this game is really easy. Our team was never full of grade-A prospects or players who could, quite frankly, even make any other team,” the veteran coach said. “Our superpower was mediocrity, and we were damn good at it. But now I’m not sure what our identity is.” The team was embroiled in a historically poor start by dropping the first ten games of the season, but they quickly embraced the role of lovable losers. “Everyone showed appreciation for our efforts during ‘the streak’, as it came to be known. They knew we were overmatched against every opponent, so small moral victories were important to our psyche. Our players and fans knew to expect nothing, so had little choice but to accept it.” The team’s assistant coach, Tyler Benson, was also nostalgic about what they accomplished. “It was a really fun ride. We set a new record for futility, and we really leaned into it,” Benson said. “Being in the record books for anything, even something that should be embarrassing is pretty cool. Can’t wait to tell the grandkids about it one day.” When coach Benson was asked if he feared a real victory would go to his team’s head, he was blunt. “We don’t have to worry about anything like that. Though this group of guys never put up a lot of W’s, the one thing we take pride in is our character. Full stop.” As Debrowsky and Benson continued with the press conference, a group of inebriated Hillside players dressed only in their towels and singing “We are the Champions”, crashed the podium while smoking cigars and pouring champagne on each other. The coaches abruptly called an end to the proceedings, but not before the belligerent players exposed themselves to a female reporter, vomited on a few staffers, and tried to pick a fight with a child from the Make-A-Wish Foundation, who was there as the owner’s special guest.