Local Man Watches Masters, Neighbors Receive Noise Complaint

By Clay Beyersdorfer

ATLANTA - Walt Sanderson has been enjoying his annual tradition of watching the Masters golf tournament at home, but that enjoyment will be nothing compared to the thrill of seeing his neighbors receive a noise complaint this year, sources tell End of the Bench.

This weekend, Sanderson’s neighbors, Martha, and Gary Johnson, plan to host a “Masters Viewing Party,” which Sanderson hopes will quickly escalate from polite claps into handcuffs and hysteria.

“Every year they throw this stupid fucking Masters party, decked out in their obnoxious Vineyard Veins or whatever and it turns into a shit show,” said Sanderson when reached for comment. “They’re up all night, sometimes as late as 7 pm some years. It’s pure anarchy.”

Sanderson went on to say the annual get-together has plagued the neighborhood “for years” and that the Johnsons have been “a problem” ever since their arrival on Walnut Street in 2018. 

“Those fucking people are ALWAYS hosting something and doing it with a smile on their face,” the College Park native said. “Is life that much worth celebrating? Have you seen the fucking news?” 

Equipped with a glass of Jim Beam and binoculars, Sanderson has been glued to his window, on high alert all weekend. 

“The second I hear a peep from that house, it’s fucking over for them. I’m calling the cops,” he added. “Take your pimento cheese sandwiches and shove them up your fucking ass, Gary. Some of us are trying to watch the greatest tradition in sports like gentlemen.”

Despite Sanderson's claims of excessive noise, sources tell End of the Bench that the Johnsons are actually quite popular in the neighborhood. Some suggest that Sanderson’s bitterness may stem from deeper, pettier issues.

“He’s just mad because a branch fell off one of their (Johnson’s) trees and into Walt’s yard in 2018 when they first moved in,” said a neighbor who wished to remain anonymous. “Nobody was hurt or anything, but the guy just lost it. I don’t know if I have ever seen a man become enraged. The cops got called, and they had to tranquilize him, it was something.”

Other neighbors corroborated that story, with one even suggesting that it was “just a matter of time” before he lost it.

“Oh yeah, he’s been in a bad way for a while. Back in 2017, he came home to his brother humping his wife,” said another neighbor. “Guy has been on edge for years, this was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

Confronted about these allegations, Sanderson was curt.

“Get off my fucking lawn, I’ve got work to do,” he said before hanging up.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we finish eating this pimento cheese.

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