Local Man Finalizes March Madness Bracket, Divorce Paperwork

by Clay Beyersdorfer

ST. LOUIS - In a stunning display of multitasking and questionable priorities, local man Dave Henderson finalized his NCAA March Madness bracket and divorce paperwork just before Thursday’s tipoff and court-ordered deadline, End of the Bench has learned.

Sources near Henderson report that he was seen frantically flipping between legal documents and Joe Lundardi’s X (Twitter) feed, muttering about "making the right picks" and "freeing up his schedule for the games." 

Friends say this level of dedication is unprecedented, even for a man who once skipped his wedding rehearsal to watch a preseason NFL game.

"I just needed to get my priorities straight," said Henderson, who appeared surprisingly calm amidst the chaos of his crumbling personal life and the impending basketball frenzy. "Sure, my marriage is ending, but you can't put a price on the perfect bracket."

Legal experts are baffled by Henderson's decision to finalize his divorce proceedings at such a critical time. 

"Most people would be devastated, but Dave seemed more concerned about whether Gonzaga would make it to the Final Four," said his soon-to-be ex-wife, who requested anonymity due to the sheer absurdity of the situation. “News flash, Dave, everybody knows West Coast teams crumble on the Big Dance floor. Much like your time spent as my husband.” 

Henderson's last-second entry to March Madness despite the nightmare of isolation that awaits him has raised eyebrows.

"I had to pull an all-nighter to get it done," he confessed. "But I'm feeling confident. This could be my year."

As for the divorce, Henderson also remains optimistic.

"Hey, life throws you curveballs, and by curveballs, I mean a potential lifetime of loneliness,” he said. “But I'll get through it as long as I've got my bracket and a cold beer. Besides, there's always next year's tournament."

Experts predict that Henderson's chances of winning his March Madness pool are as slim as his chances of a reconciliation with his wife.

However, in a world where underdogs can triumph, one source close to the situation says “Anything can happen.”

“Except his wife coming back,” the source added. “She’s gone for sure.”

End of the Bench will have more as soon as we finish this paperwork.

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