Local Barber Surprises Eagles Fans with Super Ugly Bowl Cuts

By Nat Hrvatin

PHILADELPHIA — Beloved barber Don Diamond of “Diamond Cuts” surprised and shocked his customers when he mistook their excited comments on the Eagles’ playing in the Super Bowl as requests for a bowl cut hairstyle.

Over fifteen customers report receiving some truly embarrassing bowl cuts.

One of Diamond’s regulars, Pete Lapete, remarked on the upsetting hair don’t, “All I was saying is how I’m chomping at the bit to see my guys rock the bowl, and next thing I know, Don’s got my head in his greasy popcorn bowl he grabbed from the break room.”

Lapete took a breath before removing his Eagles hat, revealing a hairstyle that made him look like a mushroom cap.

“At first I thought, ‘hey, I trust Don. This must be a new hair-cutting technique.’ But when it was over, I realized he had cut my hair the same way my ma did back in my choir boy days.”

While enjoying a bowl of spicy ranch popcorn, Diamond shared the source of his confusion:

“Look, I don’t watch the news. I don’t care for television or sports, really. But when I hear these guys sitting in my chairs, yammering about ‘bowl’ this and ‘bowl’ that, I figure the bowl cut has come back in style and who am I to judge the latest fashion?”

Diamond declined to answer any further questions, as he was in the middle of a haircut.

He proceeded to pour the remaining popcorn on the head of a teenager wearing a Jalen Hurts jersey, lightly smacking the back of his head after mistaking the jersey for a command.

After numerous complaints and attempts to explain that the Super Bowl is not a hairstyle resulting from dumping leftover gazpacho on a client’s head and then haphazardly trimming around the edges of that soup bowl, customers have given up altogether.

As a result, Diamond has decided to switch careers by becoming a bird trainer. He credits “hearing so much whoop-de-doo about Eagles,” for the inspiration for this change.