Little Leaguer Has No Idea It's All Downhill From Here

Enjoy this moment, you'll never get it back.

By Clay Beyersdorfer

SOMEWHEREVILLE, USA – In a stunning turn of events that will surprise surely no one over the age of 30, 12-year-old Little League baseball star Jimmy "Slugger" Thompson has absolutely no clue that it's all downhill from here, End of the Bench has learned.

While his close family, living grandparents, and recently adopted puppy, who never miss a game, cheer for his hitting streak, onlookers share knowing smiles, understanding that these summers will undeniably be the highlights of his entire life.

“He has no fucking clue does he?” said a family member who wished to remain anonymous. “I’d do terrible things, awful things, to be that young and care-free again.”

Sources close to the family claim that Thompson has even begun planning his Major League Baseball career, conveniently ignoring that the pinnacle of his athletic career is currently taking place on a dusty field behind his local elementary school.

Thompson's coach, Bob Warnick, spoke with EOTB about the dark days ahead for star pupil.

"Sure, he hit a home run off Timmy Smith from Greenfield Elementary last week, but let's be realistic,” Warnick said. “Soon he'll face the curveballs of life: taxes, student loans, and having to go to two Christmases after his parents eventually separate after he goes to college."

Neighbors report that Thompson has been seen practicing his autograph and perfecting his ESPN interview stance in the bathroom mirror, blissfully unaware that his glory days will soon be overshadowed by mundane adult responsibilities and a case of severe anxiety that will cripple him well into his late forties.

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Thompson's mother, Susan, a realist who once had dreams of her own, knows all too well what her son is going through.

"Oh, he's having fun now, but wait until he's navigating health insurance policies and yelling at the news every night,” she said, taking a drag of a cigarette, ensuring not to be seen by Jimmy. “That'll knock the confidence right off that blemish-free face of his.”

Statistics show that the career of a Little League hero follows a predictable path, culminating in a middle-management position and the passionate recounting of that one incredible game to uninterested coworkers during office parties.

Despite the future that awaits him, Thompson remains optimistic. 

"I'm going to play for the Yankees!" he said, holding up a crudely drawn picture of himself in a pinstripe uniform. "And after that, I'll be a cowboy, an astronaut, and maybe even a dinosaur!"

As of press time, Thompson was seen trading baseball cards with his friends, whom he will eventually have a falling out with after college, blissfully unaware that the cruel march of time waits for no one, and that his dreams will soon be ground into the cold, hard reality of adult existence like sunflower seed shells spat into the dugout of life.

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