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Jack Easterby’s Ten Commandments for the Houston Texans
Thou shall not disobey.
10. Thou shall not covet...any more money than you are being paid in your current contract.
9. Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbors...meaning don’t lie to your neighbors when they ask you how we’re looking this year. Even though we’ve never won a Super Bowl, are coming off a losing season, have a new head coach nobody has heard of, and no draft capital, we’re committed to bringing a winning franchise to Houston.
8. Thou shall not steal...our organization’s time. A global pandemic is not an excuse to stop practicing or working out together in close proximity despite CDC guidance suggesting otherwise. God will cure us all of this virus, but he won’t help us beat the Colts.
7. Thou shall not commit adultery...on our organization. This is an extension of the NFL’s no-tampering policy. Players caught even looking at other NFL games will be suspended and immediately sent to confession to atone for their sins.
6. Thou shall not kill...our team’s spirit with media interviews. I haven’t done any serious media interviews for months and you won’t be doing them either. Nobody needs to know what we’re doing here, I have everything totally under control.
5. Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother...and the Executive Vice President of Football Operations. Although I have mysteriously and quickly climbed the corporate ladder here in Houston with no real experience or football acumen, I have without question earned the respect you would give your own mother or father. Take time to acknowledge how good of a job I am doing, please.
4. Remember the Sabbath...AKA game days. Don’t be late or you’ll be given 10 Hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers as punishment.
3. Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain...or associate my name with phrases like “clueless” or “lack of actual professional football experience” again.
2. Thou shall not make idols...unless you want to erect a statue of me outside the stadium, DESHAUN. Then we can talk.
1. You shall have no other gods besides me...despite my complete ineptitude and lack of football acumen, I am the Alpha and the Omega. I am the Rock of Gibraltar. My word is Gospel, therefore the health and overall being of the Houston Texans organization shall not be questioned.