Is Earth Facing a Bengalocalypse?

By Rich Taylor

Last Sunday, Cincinnati Bengals rookie placekicker Evan McPherson’s AFC Championship game-winning field goal triggered cries of joy in the Queen City and tears of disappointment in Kansas City. 

However, for many of the globe’s most learned men and women, the game’s result meant catching the next flight available to New York City and the research project of their lives: Project End Dey

Inside a SCIF (Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility) at the United Nations, scientists, theologians, and great minds from around the world are attempting to determine the potential implications of the Cincinnati Bengals actually winning a Super Bowl.

“Look, we are in unchartered territory,” explained author and general smarty-pants Malcolm Gladwell. “A month ago, nobody could have predicted this possibility. Hell, halfway thru Sunday this seemed impossible. But now we need to understand what this all could mean and thus the necessity of Project End Dey.”

While the Bengals have twice before made it to the NFL’s championship game, the last time in 1989, the sense that they might actually win has never been this acute. And that has some fearing the worst.

“The Earth has existed 4.5 billion years without the Bengals winning a Super Bowl,” notes concerned astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson. “What if (team owner) Mike Brown hoisting the Lombardi Trophy is the one thing that unlocks some seam in the universe that eradicates the planet? Just spitballin’ but you have to ask the question, right?”

Leading religious scholars have spent their time in New York been poring over the Bible, the Quran, and other ancient scrolls and texts in search of clarity and checking out matinees of The Book of Mormon and The Music Man.

“I’m not very familiar with American football, but the more I learn about the history of the Bengals, the more I feel unease,” shared Vatican Library Prefect José Tolentino de Mendonça. 

“That said, while the Book of Revelation paints a pretty bleak scene overall, I’m not discerning anything about brothers Ja’Marr Chase or Joe Burrow per se. And speaking of revelations – Hugh Jackman is pure magic as Professor Harold Hill!”

“I think we all have felt storms clouds gathering,” said the quaking Curator of the Louvre Laurence des Cars. “Trump, COVID, that weird avatar show Alter Ego, Trump, Wahlburgers, extreme climate events, Tom Brady retiring, and did I mention Trump? It just feels like the Bengals possessing football’s ultimate prize could be the straw of instability that breaks the planet’s back.”

ESPN sports commentator Stephen A. Smith, an original member of the effort before being dismissed for reportedly talking over everyone, is dismissive of Project End Dey, shouting: 

“All of these so-called ‘brainiacs’ don’t know ish about this game. One morning I tossed a donut hole at the Dalai Lama and he bobbled and dropped that thing like it was hot out of the grease. Powdered sugar everywhere. Please. This is a waste of time anyway because how is that Cincy O-line gonna slow the force that is Aaron Donald. If these eggheads are right, we best put a cape on that man because I guess he’s gonna save humanity.”

British mathematician Sir Andrew Wiles, best known for proving Fermat's Last Theorem agreed, saying, “This all may be much ado about nothing, especially given Vegas has Bengals +4.”

“I’m just not buying that the Bengals offensive line has an answer for both Donald and (Von) Miller,” he added. “Also, if you get a chance to see Hugh Jackman in The Music Man, run, don’t walk!”

To at least one member of the Project End Dey team, the effort is a valuable one even though she has confidence in Earth’s survival. 

“The last time the Bengals were even in the Super Bowl Rain Man was the number one movie, Roseanne Barr was probably the most famous person in America and we were still over four years away from the World Wide Web,” observed Parade magazine columnist Marilyn vos Savant while consuming a bowl of chili covered spaghetti. 

“So, what is the harm in the exercise? I mean the world survived the California Raisins singing Motown in 1989, I think we can handle a long-elusive championship for the Cincinnati Bengals and their devoted fans. Also, do I detect a hint of cinnamon in this? Who Dey!”

Depending on its final conclusion, Project What Day is expected to issue its findings sometime next week either via the official TikTok of K-Pop superstars BTS or simultaneous remarks by Pope Francis, Joe Biden, Xi Jinping, Boris Johnson, Ram Nath Kovind, Justin Trudeau, and other world leaders.