Discover more from End of the Bench
Introducing Stephia - A Chaotic Alternative to Sugar
Just the pick-me-up you need
Do you find yourself needing that little “extra step” in your daily routine when sugar or caffeine just won’t cut it?
Are you someone that craves everyday public validation?
Well, look no further than Stephia*, the natural chaotic alternative to sugar.
From the minds at ESPN and the city of Brotherly Love comes a new sweetener that will give you that boost of over-confidence you need in the morning or even when you’re hitting a mid-afternoon lull.
Whether you’re out on the town with friends or just sitting at home live-tweeting, one serving of Stephia will give you that erratic feeling you’ve been needing in your life, without the crash or weight gain that comes with sugar.
But why believe us when so many have already tried Stephia! The testimonials speak for themselves.
“I’m associated with processed sugar, but dammit, everybody knows that I try to be health-conscious now with Stephia,” - Sarah, age 26.
“Processed sugar doesn't give a damn about you. It does not care about your feelings. It wants you to keep eating it, and whoever doesn't eat it is going to be pushed out, and the way is going to be paved for somebody else to eat it.” - Glenn, age 34
“You can criticize me. You can crucify me. You can love me. You can hate me. Just don't make the mistake of calling me someone who eats processed sugar, because you'd be a damn liar. I’m a Stephia man now.” - J.B., age 42
Sourced directly from the wooder of Philadelphia, Stephia is best enjoyed early in the morning, right after work, and especially during live sporting events.
One serving of Stephia will have you feeling fired up and ready to nonsensically take on any public issue, no matter whether anybody asked you to or not!
So next time you need that extra little pep in your step, or to spit that incredibly hot take, go with Stephia.
*Stephia is a non-FDA-recognized sugar substitute, patent-pending. Side effects may include but are not limited to irritability, irrationality, half-ass apologies, elevated vocal range, and the ability to go completely unaccounted for professionally.
Thanks for reading End of the Bench! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support our work.