I'm a Sports Betting App and Please Don't Be Alarmed by My Warning and Addiction Hotline Number

By Miles-Erik Bell

WHASSUP degens, responsible adults with disposable income!? 

Sports betting app here. You may have seen me literally everywhere, heard me on the airwaves, or recognized one of the many famous and rich celebrities pushing my services.

A quick disclaimer before we begin: betting and/or gambling should only be done for entertainment ONLY. 

Phew! Glad we got that out of the way. No need to investigate that statement further. 

Sure, we could speculate who is most entertained by your gambling, you or MGM, but let's just leave it ambiguous so you don't draw the wrong conclusion.

Here's another helpful note: You should never spend more than you can afford to lose. But let's face it, you're a winner. And winners like yourself don't lose. So don't worry so much!

Please don't be alarmed by the gambling addiction hotline number taking up half your screen. It's perfectly normal for products to warn you about themselves. 

Take cigarettes, boner pills, or liquor! All good upstanding capitalistic products! 

At the same time I'm selling you my betting services, I'm offering free resources should you bet too much.

And you might bet too much, or too often because that's how gambling works! But I'm not like the other guys. 

True, I'll take your money. But I'm telling you that I'm going to take your money. I'm net neutral!

How much is too much gambling? Depends on how rich you are! If you're Kevin Hart, you can afford to lose a lot. And you want to be like Kevin Hart, right?

Thank you for reading End of the Bench! Share this post or lose all of your money betting the over.

By the way, I'm worried you don't know that you can gamble. As a sports betting app, I should let you know that gambling is a thing that you can do! Gamble, gamble, gamble!

I'm an upbeat and exciting app with many green numbers and plus signs. I'm going to make it seem like people win all the time. And you are people, so that could be you winning all the time!

Pro tip: You gotta spend money to make money! That said, never bet more than you can afford to lose. Spending disposable income on entertainment is perfectly fine! It's like going to the movies! 

By the way, "disposable" is a word used to describe things that are thrown away. To clarify, it's best if you think about your money as something to be thrown away (preferably in our direction). 

That's not how we think about our money though, even if it used to be your money.

I must emphasize the fact that I'm warning you about myself, which makes me a good guy!

Like if I were an assassin, I would say, "Check the brake lines on your vehicle!"

…or if I were heroin, I would say, "Careful when your doctor gives opiates for that back injury."

…or if I were a vape pen, I would say, "Please don't vape."

I'm an honest app. A friendly app. 

Sure, I want your money. But I'm telling you I want your money. Ain't that cute? 

It's essential that I steer you towards moderation, as my balance sheet requires a certain number of monthly bettors and if you blow it all in one month we'll have a lot of money to count that month and not so much the next! 

And our money counters need stable jobs too! 

So please think about the poor money counters.

And good luck on your bets!

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