I Am a Football, and I Am Running for the U.S. Senate
What an airhead.
By Rich Taylor
Greetings My Fellow Georgians –
I am a football. My name is Wilson (no, not that one, though I wouldn’t sneeze at his “Castaway” dollars) and I have taken out this full-page ad in sports sections across Georgia, on University of Georgia athletics fan sites, Hooter's bathroom video screens and Piggly Wiggly shopping carts to announce my candidacy for the U.S. Senate and to ask for your write-in vote this November.
I don’t forward pass myself into the ring lightly. I was prepared to stay in a bin on the sidelines and cheer current Republican nominee and Heisman Trophy winner Herschel Walker onto victory next month.
Sure, he has said things that were at times incorrect, without scientific evidence, or outright insane. And yes, there seems to be an issue with unclaimed children of his scattered across this great state. But he also rushed for over 5,000 yards as a Georgia Bulldog, was on the U-S-of A’s Olympic bobsled team, and competed in Mixed Martial Arts.
Oh, and did I mention that he won the Heisman Trophy? To sum up, Herschel Walker is a man’s man and kicks some you know what.
However, it seems not a day goes by without some new dirt being tossed on him by the Soros-controlled enemies of the state and, I fear, this week’s news may terminate (oh no I didn’t) his shot at winning. Put it this way, his chances of victory are now slimmer than Vanderbilt’s odds of winning the SEC (rimshot!).
That is why I am asking for your write-in vote so that I, a football, can carry Georgia’s patriotic and conservative values across the goal line and into the U.S. Senate.
Herschel earned your support by being the vessel through which your love of country and football could be represented. Let’s face it, you all were voting for Herschel mainly because he’s a football legend claiming to share your values, right? Well, look at every picture or video of him playing and what do you see? That’s right. A football. I am proposing we cut out the “imperfections” of our Heisman middleman and just send a good ol’, regulation-size football to punt the radical liberal left clean out of America’s stadium.
I know the coastal elites will scream from their ivory coaching towers that a football can’t run for office and that members of congress should be sentient while questioning my so-called “lack of experience.” Well, upon further review, Alabama voted an ex-Auburn coach with a losing record versus our Dawgs into the Senate. If that loser can be a senator, then surely the great state of Georgia can elect a made-in-the-USA football.
And I don’t come with the usual baggage that most flesh and blood politicians carry. My life is an open box. Have at it, muckrakers. Also, show me in the rulebook or constitution or wherever this stuff is written, where it says that a football cannot run for office.
So, are you as pumped up as I am to move the chains in our direction up in that cesspool called Washington? If so, I invite you to tee me up, write in Wilson, and kick me to D.C this November!
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