Hogwarts Invited to Join PAC-12 Conference


By Dave Henry

Facing weekly departures this summer, the PAC-12 athletic conference is looking to shore up its ranks by inviting the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, End of the Bench has learned.

Hogwarts, which resides in another realm accessible only by walking into a wall at a certain train station, is considered a Quidditch powerhouse, winning the interstellar multiverse Quidditch championship a record 7 times. 

Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore is thrilled to be joining the PAC-12.

“This is the opportunity of a lifetime for Hogwarts to make the leap to big-time Division 1 college athletics,” said Dumbledore. “We’d be fools not to jump at it.”

While Hogwarts is widely known for its excellence in Quidditch, Dumbledore said the school has sunk a lot of money into football and basketball and is ready to compete with the four remaining teams — Cal, Stanford, Oregon State, and Washington State.

“Let’s face it, the four teams that are left all suck,” said Dumbledore. “With our mastery of witchcraft and wizardry, we’ll be dominating that conference in no time.”

The PAC-12 expressly forbids the use of witchcraft and wizardry, as well as the Force and Vulcan mind control, in all athletic pursuits. 

But as Dumbledore points out, their magic is so subtle and powerful that the other team won’t even know it was used on them.

“It’s like when Hermoine cast that Confundus charm on Cormac McLaggen to confuse him and cause him to screw up when he tried out for Keeper for Gryffindor,” Dumbledore said. “We plan to use that and other spells to keep our PAC-12 opponents off balance.”

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End of the Bench talked to former Quidditch star Harry Potter, who has graduated and moved on to a career as an Auror, or defender against the Dark Arts, who says there is “plenty of talent coming up through the pipeline,” including several more Weasleys.

“Loads of them, actually,” Potter added.

Pac-12 Commissioner George Kliavkoff agrees.

“There are a lot of short, small, skinny pale kids at Hogwarts that don’t look athletic, but what they lack in physical stature and athletic prowess, they more than make up for in the magical arts,” said Kliavkoff. “We’re excited to have them. We’re excited to have anyone, really, because Dumbledore is right, the four teams that are left really blow.”

With Hogwarts in the fold, Kliavkoff will look to other fictional institutions to fill the remaining gaps. 

Sources tell EOTB the conference is eyeing Monsters University, Starfleet Academy, Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, Drinkmasters Bartending School, and Trump University as its next invites.

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.

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