Happy Gilmore Finally Free from That Bob Barker

By Clay Beyersdorfer

WATERBURY, CT — The news of Bob Barker's passing at the age of 99 this weekend has had an impact on many lives, but perhaps none more so than professional golfer and local part-time amateur hockey player, Happy Gilmore. 

Long haunted by an unforgettable fistfight with the legendary "Price is Right" host at a 1996 charity pro-am golf tournament, Gilmore announced today that he finally feels free from Barker's ever-looming shadow.

“For more than two decades, that man was the violent storm cloud hanging over my career," said an emotional Gilmore. “I couldn't walk into a pro shop without someone humming the 'Price is Right' theme song or calling me a ‘jackass.’ Now, I can finally play golf without fearing that I'll be assaulted by a nonagenarian TV host.”

Dr. Stephanie Wallace, a therapist specializing in post-TV show host traumatic stress disorder (PTVSH-TSD), who has been treating Gilmore for years, hailed Barker’s death as a turning point. 

“Happy's been through a lot,” Dr. Wallace said when reached for comment. “He was making progress before, but now, I think he can finally push past the darkest day in his life. Not that we're celebrating anyone's death, but let's just say Happy's not so ironically named anymore.”

Thank you for reading End of the Bench! Share this post or we’ll make you fight a game show host.

Barker's estate released a statement Monday morning following his passing.

“Mr. Barker dedicated his life to the humane treatment of animals and the emotional torment of game show contestants and aspiring amateur golfers. He would be delighted to know that he remains an indelible part of Mr. Gilmore's psyche. We hope that Happy's newfound freedom brings him the peace that has eluded him for so long. As Bob would say, 'Have your pets spayed or neutered.”

Shooter McGavin, a long-time rival of Gilmore on the professional tour, responded to the news with thinly veiled scorn. 

“Sure, Happy's free from Barker, but he'll never be free from the reality that I'm the better golfer. I hope he remembers that when he's choking on the last hole,” said McGavin, adjusting his perfectly ironed collar.

In a surprising twist, Gilmore announced plans Monday to host a mini-golf tournament in honor of the late game show host.

“Look, we had our differences, but the man was a legend,” conceded Gilmore, taking a batting cage pitch off the chest in preparation for the upcoming hockey season. “It's time to celebrate his life the only way that seems fitting—by hitting small balls into comically oversized clown mouths for a good cause. Chubbs, if you’re up there, I am sorry about the hand again buddy.”

Related stories: