Guy Who Grew Up With Pool Table in Basement Surprisingly Bad at Pool

By Kelley Greene

MILWAUKEE - After years of regaling friends with tales about growing up with a pool table in his basement, sources have confirmed to End of the Bench that local engineer Dustin Ford is surprisingly bad at pool.

“I was shocked, to be honest,” said Kevin Bingham, Dustin’s best friend since college. “We’ve been talking about playing for years, but never got around to it. I thought for sure that having grown up with a pool table in his basement meant that he’d be…well, at least okay. But we went down to the local Brew & Cue for some beers and a game, and he didn’t even know the rules.”

Bingham went on to describe the events that followed.

“I told Dustin to rack ’em while I grabbed cues, and the next thing I knew he’d kicked the bartender in the nuts,” Bingham continued. “I had to talk security down before they kicked us out. Then I told him to line up the cue ball and he pointed to a bald guy over in the corner. At that point, I just gave up the table so I could explain how the game worked before we tried again.”

Five beers deep, Ford himself acknowledged Bingham’s frustrations.

“I never said I was good,” Ford reportedly said. “I said I had a pool table in my basement. And I did play on it a lot, but it was mostly me and my little brother just taking turns poking at the balls with those long sticks you use. We also had a game where we jousted on our bikes with those. We called it ‘Knights of the Pool Table.’ I was a lot better at that. I wish the bar had that game instead.”

Local pool hustler “Big Balls” Johnny Ray had seen this type of thing before.

“This ain’t the first time I’ve seen these guys around. The table was their dad’s, and just because they fooled around with the cue a bit they think they might have some idea what they’re doing. But I’ll tell ya right now, just because you’ve run your hands over the beautiful curves of the table’s felt doesn’t mean you have any clue about angles, aim, or strategy. He’s lucky he had a friend with him, or I’d’ve made myself $50 and a basket of mozzarella sticks.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story right after we put a little English on it.

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