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God No Longer Supporting Seahawks After Russell Wilson Trade

He hath spoken.

HEAVEN - God has officially announced that He will not be answering any prayers or providing any support for the Seattle Seahawks during the 2022 NFL season after the team traded quarterback Russell Wilson to the Denver Broncos. 

“It was a blow to have one of my best gridiron disciples be traded, but my patience and forgiveness as a deity have reached their limit,” a clearly frustrated God stated at His monthly press conference. “It seems that the Seahawks management is not even going to try and trade for a top quarterback or make a move for a bridge-year veteran signal-caller. I am done 12th Man fans. Don’t even bother with your prayers for a win or a miracle play in the 2022 season. It will go straight to prayer mail.”

He then abruptly ended His press conference after looking directly into the cameras to say, “God hates the Seahawks in 2022,” before dropping His mic and walking out. 

Pete Carroll, the Seahawks’ usual positive and upbeat head coach, was disappointed to hear God’s frustration with the team’s direction. 

“It is hard to hear, but I have faith that our defense will be better and that someone will step up and be Christ-like, both on and off the field,” Carroll said, “In some ways, I am a bit relieved to get God’s perspective, and I can now better understand why the past eight years have been my own ‘Job-like’ journey.”

Despite the unfortunate news, Carrol left Seahawks fans with a positive sentiment.

“I asked God to bring us an answer to our playoff woes this off-season and what did He deliver? Drew Lock,” Carrol said. “He truly does work in mysterious ways!”

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