God Nails Every Pick in His Mock NFL Draft, Again

HEAVEN - Almighty God has proven once again that He knows His football.

The Creator reportedly predicted every pick, in the correct order, including trades, for the entire first round of the NFL draft Thursday.

“I just really studied a lot of tape, read the minds of all the experts like Mel Kiper Jr., and really listened to a lot of prayers, so I felt like I had a good sense of where each team was going to go with their pick,” said God when reached for comment.

The Heavenly Father has successfully picked the correct order of the first round in every draft since 1936.

Some insiders have suggested in years past that coaches will consult God on who they should pick, given His perfect track record. But God denies it.

“Wait, are you saying the coaches ask Me who to pick?” God said. “I’m flattered but come on…I leave that to the professionals. To Me, it’s just a hobby.”

Thank you for reading End of the Bench! Share this post or you’re getting drafted to the Texans.

God added that He appreciates when players thank Him for getting picked, but He says it’s unnecessary and kind of annoying.

“Look, I had nothing to do with it,” the Almighty said. “I’m really good at predicting who will get picked but to suggest I’m the reason you got picked where you did? Well, frankly, that’s poppycock. Don’t you think I have more important things to do than engineer an entire draft, all 6 rounds, or whatever? Including kickers and special teamers and such? Get real.”

God said he doesn’t even bother watching past the first round. He switches over to the NBA playoffs on the weekend. Those games He does indeed influence.

“Yes, I have actually already determined who will win the NBA finals, so don’t even bother praying. It’s already been decided so your prayers will have no effect whatsoever. Anyway, it’s solely based on who I want to win, not on who wishes or prays for it the hardest,” said God. “And don’t ask me who will win. You’ll just have to watch to find out.”

Related stories: