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Fredbird Threatens to Quit Eating Fan Heads if Cardinals "Don't Turn It Around"


ST. LOUIS - Times are bad for the St. Louis Cardinals. Like mascot-threatening-to-quit bad. After a scorching hot start to the 2021 season, the Cardinals now find themselves in fourth place in the National League Central division with a mountain full of injured or underperforming pitching, untimely hitting, and a certain spark from years' past that just doesn’t seem to be there anymore. That spark usually includes “Fredbird,” the team’s larger-than-life cardinal mascot, eating the heads of St. Louis’ self-proclaimed “best fans in baseball.”But after a series of gross performances, the full-time street performer has had enough.“I am at my wing’s end with this team,” says Fredbird, who debuted with the organization in April of 1979. “There is no gumption on this team, no will to do whatever it takes to win,” the mascot added.  “How do they expect me to keep going out there night after night, gobbling up skulls like it’s no big deal? I am done if they don’t turn it around.”Fredbird’s head-eating practice and other hilarious hijinks came about shortly after he took over the role in ‘79, which have become gameday traditions at Busch Stadium ever since.Soon after, fans around the St. Louis area started pouring in to see the feathered fowl and simply could not get enough of the fun he brought to the ballpark.“I lit this fucking city on fire,” Fredbird said of his come up. “I had these people eating out of the palm of my fucking hand. I could take a shit in Big Mac Land and nobody would say a damn thing to me.”The team also caught fire, as the Cardinals have gone on to become the fourth-winningest franchise in Major League Baseball history, including three World Series titles (1982, 2006, 2011) during the mascot’s time with the club.Unfortunately these days, that winning magic seems to be gone.“This is one of the worst teams I have ever seen,” Fredbird said. “I ate six full-grown adult heads last weekend, and for what? To almost get swept by the Pirates? THE PIRATES?”Time will tell whether Fredbird keeps sucking down skulls or not, as the Cardinals are in the midst of a three-game homestand against the Arizona Diamondbacks before heading to Colorado for a tilt with the Rockies over the holiday weekend.“Maybe some Colorado air will do them some good,” Fredbird said. “Because apparently eating people alive isn’t enough anymore.”The Cardinals could not be reached for comment at the time of publication.

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