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Five New Golf Terms to Know Ahead of the Masters at Augusta National
What's a cudgel?
By Dave Henry
The Masters is known for its green jackets, its grown men named Hootie, its fast greens, and its made-up golf words. In an effort to grow its audience, attract younger generations to the game, and compete with rival LIV Golf, tournament officials are expected to incorporate five new terms into this year’s four-day event. End of the Bench has managed to breakdown these terms ahead of Thursday’s start:
1. Cat Leg
A “cat leg” is much like a dog leg, all weird with bones jutting out at sharp angles, but also describes a fairway that bends. However, dog legs are synonymous with being lifted for peeing, so the brain trust at the Masters will work to phase out the rather uncouth term in favor of cat leg. While officials have admitted publicly they find it weird when cats lick themselves and stick that one leg straight up, they still find the act preferable to the dogs and the peeing.
The term “golf ball” will now be replaced by the more futuristic, forward-looking word - orb. As Hootie McGee, Augusta National's Secretary of Plaid said, every sport features balls, but "we're different, we have orbs." So now, legendary broadcaster Jim Nantz will have to say things like, “Jordan Spieth just hooked the orb toward the patrons and it hit one in the proboscis.” Proboscis, incidentally, is the Masters’ preferred word for nose. And if other topics during the mundane broadcast chit-chat come up, like NBA basketball or old TV shows, the announcers must say LaMelo Orb and/or Lucille Orb.
3. Ground Indentation
Holes have been part of golf since a race of Dark Elves invented the sport back in Medieval Scotland, but the folks at Augusta National have decided to move on from the term, deeming it too sexually suggestive in today’s social climate. Instead, they have adopted a more descriptive and technical term — ground indentation. So now you will hear Nantz and company talk about how “the 12th ground indentation at Augusta is considered the signature ground indentation.” You may also hear Trevor Immelman shout, “It’s in the ground indentation!!”
4. Puppy Trees
Masters officials are changing Tiger Woods' name to “Puppy Trees” to reflect his current, less imposing status on the tour. "Let's face it," said Hootie Johnson, the leading Hootie at Augusta National, "Tiger, I mean, Puppy, is no longer a terror on the course. He's cute and lovable and everyone roots for him, like a puppy." Hootie McAlister, the Vice Hootie at Augusta National, agreed, adding that, as a last name, Trees is less daunting than Woods. “If you hit it into the woods, you’re in trouble, but if you hit it into the trees, well, that’s not so bad.” But Hootie Fisher, the head of the Committee on Mint Juleps, felt his name should be changed to Cat Forrest because Cat is a “less ferocious version of Tiger. And Trees is just a low-class, 10-cent, Waste Management Open-type word compared to Forest.” Hootie Fisher was overruled.
Again, the Hooties-that-be are uncomfortable with the sexual nature of the word club, especially when a club has a shaft and you hit the balls at the stick, which goes in the hole. There are just all kinds of dirty double-entendre words in there that need to be cleaned up. It's all very suggestive, too suggestive, for the staid old membership at Augusta. They would prefer a less sexually-charged, yet, tough-sounding name for a club, like “Cudgel.” They had considered shillelagh, but it is way too hard to spell, and the Dark Elves already use that term in old Scotland. But cudgel is something you can envision beating someone with, so this fits the whole tough guy narrative they are looking for.
Don't be surprised if Jim Nantz also says something like this: "Puppy Trees used the right Cudgel on the Cat Leg par-4 and the Orb rolled to within an inch of the Ground Indentation -- with LaMelo Orb sitting among the Patrons, cheering him on."
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