Fenway Park Grounds Crew Prepare Green Monster For 2024 Season By Feeding It Slaughtered Animals

By Divyansh Kulshrestha

BOSTON - Standing a few yards away as it chewed up the raw carcass of a dead antelope, the grounds crew of Fenway Park confirmed Sunday that they had been feeding slaughtered animals to the Green Monster for the past few months to prepare it for the 2024 season.

“We want to ensure that the Green Monster remains healthy and doesn’t fall apart during any of the league games,” said chief groundskeeper David Mellor, “And for that, we need to maintain its diet of at least 1200 pounds of freshly slaughtered livestock every day.”

Mellor added that the Green Monster has a very strict eating schedule, which had only become more stringent as Opening Day came closer. 

"We have fixed feeding times every day at 9 AM, 1 PM, 5 PM, 9 PM, and midnight," Mellor added. "If we don’t feed the monster, it emits a guttural groaning noise so loud that it even scares Bostonians. And they’re already incredibly scary people." 

According to Mellor, the Green Monster used to have a much larger diet during its teenage years, eating as much as the equivalent of the whole Franklin Zoo, but has been taking it easier for the past decade.

The Green Monster’s hunger has also caused massive problems in the past. 

“The people who worked here before me told me that it used to eat up entire groups of fans in the 40s,” said Mellor, “It even ate our entire minor league team once when they came here to practice, not that anyone cared about them anyway.”

Along with livestock, the Green Monster has also been known to digest homerun balls. 

“Ted Williams, Babe Ruth, David Ortiz, Jim Rice, all these players have had the honor to regularly feed the Green Monster during batting practice and regular season home games,” said Mellor. “Sometimes we’ll even let a stray Yankee venture out into left field, just to see what happens.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story as soon as we defeat our monsters.

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