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Fan’s “Lucky Jersey” Revealed to Have No Statistical Impact at All
It's gone unwashed for over a decade.
By Jason Lee
LOS ANGELES – Lakers fan Garrett Taylor was stunned to find out that wearing his lucky Lakers jersey during games had absolutely zero correlation to whether the team won or lost.
A recently conducted study on the last 500 games that Taylor had worn his jersey showed that the Lakers had gone exactly 250-250 in that span, despite his repeated insistence that he was helping the team win.
Taylor, who last touched a basketball before the COVID-19 pandemic, had been previously quoted as saying that he “probably deserved a ring” for his contributions to the Lakers’ success.
“There must be some mistake,” said Taylor, sporting his beloved yellow #8 Kobe Bryant jersey, which was initially a home-white jersey from the 2004-05 season before it succumbed to 18 years of Cheeto crumbs and spilled Mountain Dew. “I wore that jersey when the Lakers won the 2009, 2010, and 2020 NBA championships. That can’t be a coincidence!”
Taylor left out the fact that he also donned the jersey regularly during the 2015-16 season, in which the Lakers went 17-65.
UCLA statistics professor Amanda Liu, who conducted the study, shared her thoughts on the findings.
“Our experiment examined the relationship between the independent variable (whether the subject wore his jersey) and the dependent variable (whether the Lakers won or lost)” explained Liu. “The results of our analysis showed a correlation coefficient of 0.00. Which is to say, the dependent variable was wholly unaffected by the independent variable”.
“The subject’s belief that he had influenced the outcome of the contest in any way, shape, or form was mainly due to his increased perspiration, elevated blood pressure, and shortness of breath during games,” Liu continued. “However, these are just common side effects from watching Dennis Schroder attempt 3-pointers”.
Data is still being collected on the efficacy of Taylor’s in-game rituals for other sports, such as wearing a rally cap during Dodgers games and yelling “SHOOOOOT!” while the Kings are on the power play.
At press time, Taylor remained convinced that he could have a tangible impact on games from his recliner.
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