By Devin Wallace

COLUMBUS, OH - Brutus Buckeye, the mascot for Ohio State University, paused during his funky breakdancing celebration at halftime of the team’s first game of the 2022 season to muse on his belief “that everyone engaging in polite society is wearing a costume to face a meaningless void of the world.” 

“When I think of Jean-Paul Satre’s thoughts on prolonging ourselves out of weakness, I cannot help but see that reflected in the chanting crowds, the writhing painted masses,” said Brutus as he shot “U the Real Ohio MVP” t-shirts out of an air cannon. “Tell me, is the naked frat bro in Section 301 truly nude, or is he swaddled in conformity, costumed in the deflective garments society uses to devise meaning?” 

Across the field, the Notre Dame Leprechaun said Brutus expanded on his thoughts during their pre-game hijinks of stealing the referee's whistle. 

“He kept telling me the crowd was a lie, that nothing was real except what we made it, and then he did the worm on the fifty-yard line,” said the Leprechaun. “To be honest, it was super weird, because I know for a fact his name is Jason and we’re both Sports Marketing majors.” 

Sources at the game report Brutus signed some autographs and wrote way more philosophical manifestos on the backs of Ohio State jerseys. 

When asked by a young fan if he was the real Brutus Buckeye, he reportedly lit a cigarette, swirled a glass of red wine, and said “no one is real.”

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.