Eaten By Wolves: Mr. Met, Dead at 60


By Ryan David

NEW YORK - Mr. Met, the iconic mascot of the Mets franchise, has died in an apparent mauling in upstate New York over the weekend. He was 60.

Video of the incident, captured live on TikTok, shows the legendary humanoid baseball being ripped apart and devoured by wolves, who mistook his massive visage for a dog toy.

It is a recording that has shocked a nation and sent ripples through the sports world.

“At first it was one wolf, and we kinda just laughed,” recounted an eyewitness. “Then more started coming—one after another, snarling and biting; by the time we could intervene there was virtually nothing left of him.”

Police described the aftermath as a “horrific” scene characterized by cork and rubber entrails strewn about. Clutching his stomach in disgust, one officer dubbed it a “yarn bath.” 

He further remarked, “Although I’ve always wondered what that son a bitch’s fat head was made of.”

Born Moshe Rubi Mettelmann, Mr. Met immigrated to the United States from Poland as a poor orphan, having burst from the womb in a childbirth doctors called “comedically fatal” for the mother. 

Never knowing his father, Mettelmann departed for the United States in hopes of a better life, where he faced discrimination as a result of having a giant fucking baseball for a head.

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Once in America, the meagerly employed migrant bounced around New York’s Garment District before taking a job with the Mets as a tailor. He quickly rose within the organization and caught then-manager Casey Stengel’s attention—the first person to recognize Mettlemann’s potential as a mascot.

“He was perfect for the role,” Stengel said in a 1973 interview with the New York Times. “Possessing drive, ambition, work ethic, and most of all, a baseball for a skull so huge children would scream, “What’s wrong with it, Mommy?’”

Throughout his life, Mr. Met struggled with health problems stemming from his seismic dome and skirted death in the ‘80s when a hallucinating Darryl Strawberry attacked him with a baseball bat in a cocaine-induced delirium.

Yet through it all, Mr. Met remained resilient and beloved.

“We mourn the loss of our friend, family member, and leader,” read a press release from the Mets. “He was larger than life, like a Titan; but akin to Atlas, our gentle giant could not bear the burden of his destiny. We’ll remember Mr. Met for his charisma, kindness, and the fact that he had a grotesque baseball for a noggin.”

He is survived by his wife Mrs. Met, three children, and a t-shirt cannon.

A celebration of life is planned for the upcoming season at Citi Field. The first thousand attendees will receive a limited edition Steve Cohen bobblehead.

End of the Bench will have more after we save the rest of America’s treasured mascots.

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