Eagles Fans Debut Own ‘Tomahawk Chop’: The ‘Rocky Punch’

By William Vaillancourt

PHILADELPHIA - In need of an activity to complement yelling out how their team name is spelled, Eagles fans attending the Super Bowl decided before kickoff that there could be only one solution: the “Rocky Punch.”

Unlike the “Tomahawk Chop,” it is a full-contact ritual to be exchanged with one’s neighbors on each side, explained West Chester native and self-described “shithead” Johnny Vitari. 

“So what if it hurts? At least it’s not cringey.”

Vitari and a few dozen others had huddled up around a makeshift altar to Marlboro Reds, Fireball, and a photograph of a sad Tom Brady earlier in the day, and came away from their deliberations as united as ever, resembling a single midnight green organism rather than distinct two-legged beings.

Before settling on the “Rocky Punch,” the group considered vomiting a pinch of Grizzly chew, in honor of how birds of prey cast pellets made up of fur. They also thought of making a “nest” of trash around their seats. “But both of those means you gotta buy stuff,” Vitari explained. “Taking a swing at somebody is free. Even the kids can do it.”

“It’s not that dangerous, either, so don’t even start with that,” he added with a toothpick hanging out of his mouth. “The rule is right-hand cross to the guy on your left, so if he gets knocked out, he falls into his seat and not on the people below. And the opposite hand for the other side. It’s like turning your wheel into the curb when parking on a hill. Capiche?”

Still, it’s unlikely that the NFL will carve out an exception to its fan code of conduct. “We already have a certain number of concussions that we expect during each game,” an anonymous league official said, “so any surplus ones would really dent the reputation of our data team.”

Any attempts by security to eject those who partake in this new ritual would not be appreciated, Vitari claimed. “We’d at least flip ‘em the bird, which got its name from us, by the way.”