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Degenerate Gambler Convinced Late Night Doom Betting Won’t End Badly

This one HAS to hit.

By Dave Henry

CHICAGO - Unable to sleep after losing $50 betting on a West Coast NBA game, degenerate gambler Dirk Dawkins was seen frantically scrolling through the DraftKings mobile betting app looking at foreign sports to bet on, sources tell End of the Bench.

When reached for comment, Dawkins was locking in a wager on an Indian Premiere League cricket match between the Punjab Kings and the Kolkata Knight Riders.

"I'm not entirely sure what cricket even is It’s like field hockey with throwing maybe?” Dawkins said. “But I feel like luck is on my side tonight.”

Dawkins laid $20 on who he thought would be named “man of the match.”

"It has to be batsman Shikar Dhawan -- I mean, come on, that's a no-brainer," Dawkins said. "Let's put it this way, Michael Jordan is the Shikar Dhawan of the NBA. It just does not get any better than the Shik-ster."

Dawkins, who lost $50 betting on Chinese table tennis the night prior, sees the Punjab Kings as the superior bowlers in this IPL matchup.

"It’s not like bowling, like Pete Weber bowling, it's like pitching, but you throw with a running start and your arm all stiff and unbent," said Dawkins. "Bottom line: you can't win in cricket without good bowling, and like they always say, bowling wins championships. And no one is better than Punjab's premier bowler, Kagiso Rabada. He is the Pete Weber of the IPL."

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The destitute Dawkins, now living in his mother’s basement after his wife left him citing “irreconcilable differences,” is most confident in betting the over on the number of wickets Punjab will take.

"Wickets are like those things in croquet that you hit the ball through -- I think," said Dawkins. "I could be wrong about that, but when you bet the over on wickets, your team has hit more balls through the wickets. I think..? Maybe? Either way, I'm all in on the over."

Speaking of croquet, Dawkins dropped $50 on Lucretia Snodgrass to win the Ridgecrest Country Club Ladies Auxiliary Croquet Tournament and Tiny Sandwiches Luncheon last Sunday.

"I did end up losing that bet as Mrs. Snodgrass hit her foot with the mallet after she tried to slam Lillian McGillicuddy's ball into the rose bush," said Dawkins, shaking his head. "And that’s why I am eating microwave TV dinners again this week."

Despite his recent poor gambling performances, Dawkins said he's “just been on a cold streak” lately, but can “feel my luck turning.” 

“Punjab is going to come through for me, and then she’ll come back to me, I know it,” he added, referencing his wife. “She has to.”

End of the Bench will have more as soon as we lock in this parlay.

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