Dear 40-year-old man, it's me, your athletic knee brace
We need to talk....
How’s it going? Saw you put up those six boards against the Bombers the other night. Nice work! That was a big 39-33 double-overtime winner you guys had.
Listen, I know you are riding high and told everybody in the office this morning about the “big win” last night and how you were “an animal out there,” but we need to talk.
Last night when you brought me home and left me in the side pocket of your gym bag that sits in the truck of your car all winter, I started to think, am I happy?
I know we haven’t been together for very long, actually only since you bought me at the pharmacy after you told everybody you “went to see a specialist.”
But after our time together I have realized a few things and I want to share my feelings with you, to be open and honest with our communication.
First and foremost, you do not look cool when you wear me.
That move you do when you’re putting me on and you hike your shorts up a little high to make sure that I slide all the way up? It looks stupid, and all the guys think so too.
Fucking Gary even said you “look like a grandpa with that thing on” while you were in the showers the other day.
I’d say it was just locker room talk, but then he doubled down and said something along the lines of “old man river” which can’t be good, but what do I know, I am just an athletic knee brace.
Either way, I just don’t look great on you, and that makes me feel bad.
But that is just the start of it, where I really start to have an issue is with just how exhausted I am.
You do you know that you’re 40, right? Because you could’ve fooled me. Every time I try and take a break to relax and stretch out, you’re slipping me on and we’re off to softball, indoor soccer, or basketball.
Don’t even talk to me about the time you brought me bowling.
I don’t mean to come down on you, but the human body wears out over time! I know you’re a real YOLO type of guy, but I’m only one athletic knee brace. I’m built for comfort, not durability.
Give me a break every once in a while.
Which leads me to my next point, why did you even get me in the first place? Do you even know what knee braces are for?
You fell awkwardly and heard a “pop.”
In what realm of athletic training do you think wearing a knee brace will compensate for the pain you are probably feeling?
I am no MD, but it seems like you’re putting a band-aid on what is probably a much larger issue. Osteoarthritis, hairline fractures, and torn ligaments are all serious issues so if you’re actually having problems, you should seek medical attention.
I cost $29.99 at CVS, I am not a miracle worker.
Because of all of these reasons, I’m leaving you...
...For Gerald. You know, the 78-year-old man that does water-aerobics at the same time you hoop at the YMCA on Wednesday nights?
The way he looks at me... just makes me feel so wanted, so desired, so incredibly vital to his overall physical mobility and health.
That’s the kind of relationship I am looking for.
Not someone who treats me as a fashion statement to try and weirdly look cool, or as a literal band-aid fix for a much larger medical problem, something that is real.
I will never forget all of the happy memories, like when you won your company’s intramural softball league last year, or when you threw me for some reason just to mow the lawn.
Those are moments I will never forget and the ones I will take with me forever.
Goodbye to you, my middle-aged prince.
Your Athletic Knee Brace
P.S. - if you could take me out of the side pocket of your gym bag and leave me on the porch, Gerald has hot yoga at 5 a.m. tomorrow. Thanks!
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