Dad Wins Arena Dance Cam Contest, Loses Family’s Respect

By Devin Wallace

After thirty seconds of sweaty gyrations and wedding-style fist pumps on the Chicago Bulls Jumbotron, local Dad Bruce Kirkman was announced to have won the Dance Cam Contest while also being announced to have lost the respect of his wife, children, and entire extended family.

“When I saw him put his hands on his hips and do the hula-hoop, I knew the contest, and probably our marriage, was over for good,” said Kirkman’s wife Julia as she pegged the bags to bring the kids to her sister’s. “There’s no way those other reluctant adults on the Dance Cam could overcome that, and I don’t think I can ever forget seeing him twerk in front of 20,000 people.”

Fans present at the game concurred with Mrs. Kirkman, as it was clear the whole thing - the 30-second dance-off sponsored by Arby’s and the 25-year marriage of Bruce and Julia - was a done deal.

“I’ve never seen a man take off a shirt so quickly,” said Harris McMead, who sat a row behind the Kirkmans. “The beat hadn’t even dropped in the Crazy Frog song before he hiked up a leg on his seat and did something he kept called ‘The Hoof.’ I said just give the man his $25 Arby’s gift card now; he’s gonna need it because he’s definitely not having dinner with his family tonight. They ran out of their row real quick.”

Arena event staff were unprepared for the sudden result of the promotion, stating they thought they could milk it for two, maybe three minutes, before someone was declared a winner and/or their family stormed off out of embarrassment.

While we were unable to reach Kirkman for comment, as it was unclear which local motel he was forced to sleep at that night, we can confirm he was proud to have won the contest, reportedly saying it was the only thing he’d ever won, and even better, as it was his birthday that night.