Conor McGregor Vows to Knockout Every Sports Mascot

By T. Kent Jones

MIAMI — After a bizarre stunt that left the Miami Heat mascot hospitalized last week, UFC champion Conor McGregor has declared his intention to take on all sports mascots in mixed martial arts bouts, End of the Bench has learned. 

“Step into the octagon, Big Heads,” the Irish fighter boasted on social media. “I’ll slap the muppet fleece out of your mouth.”

The declaration comes after “One Punch” McGregor appeared in a skit promoting a pain relief spray co-starring the Miami Heat mascot, Burnie. What was meant to be a playful tap was a full-on left hook to the head, sending Burnie to the floor. Not to be outdone, McGregor then proceed to punch Burnie again.

Stunned and clearly injured, Burnie was quickly taken away by Heat staffers and then rushed to a nearby hospital, where he was treated with pain medication and sent home.

Displaying no remorse for pummeling a non-athlete in a costume, McGregor doubled down, Tweeting, “Don’t ever look at me that way, son. The next thing you’ll be seeing is the stars. That goes for all you goofy mascot bastards. Come get some.”

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Critics argue that such bouts would be a sad spectacle, undermining the integrity of mixed martial arts. Said one sports blogger, “Connor may be past his prime, but he could definitely kick the living shit out of the Phillie Phanatic.” 

Others expressed concerns for the safety of the mascots pointing out that they are not trained fighters and should not be subjected to the brutal combat of MMA. 

Said one NBA executive, “Here’s what you want from a great sports mascot: he’s adorable, he loves kids, he fires up the fans. NOT, “he can take cheap shots to the head from Conor McGregor.” 

While no official matchups have been scheduled, Vegas promoters say MMA fights pitting McGregor against K.C. Wolf, Mr. Met, the Suns Gorilla, SJ Sharkie, or Stuff the Magic Dragon would “sell more tickets than a Taylor Swift concert.”

“Hate to admit this,” said one bookmaker, “but there’s a sliver of the audience that would love watching some dude in a costume get his ass kicked. Not my kind of friends, but those people do exist."

Despite the fear of violence, there is one mascot, however, that has stepped up to the challenge: Mike, Louisiana State University’s 420-pound Bengal Tiger. 

“A fight with Conor sounds, for lack of a better phrase, delicious,” Mike said when reached for comment. “It would be a treat for everyone involved.”

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