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Coach, I Didn’t Sign Nolan up for JV Tee-Ball. Calling Now

"Just a couple of things..."

Hi Coach… 

Very busy, back-to-back all day so leaving a voice note. 

It’s Nolan’s dad…from Tee-Ball. Haven’t met you yet, and not trying to second guess, but very confused here…another practice canceled for rain? What in the actual fuck?

The wife said it only rained for half the day yesterday. I checked the forecast and it’ll be sunny by noon. They should be practicing. 

I was just talking to the boys here and we all agree: that’s another two hours GONE that Nolan will have to make up if he’s ever getting to 10,000, and that’s bullshit. 

Hold on… bad service. 

In Jackson Hole for a work trip… boarding the gondola now, will try via text….

Ope, there we go, do I sound better now?

Ok, like I said, this is bullshit. 

Blame the drainage at the fields or the city or whatever, but I don’t buy it. These Parks and Rec Libs are turning our kids into snowflakes. Maybe I missed the part where you were out there with a broom and fresh dirt getting the field ready for your athletes. You’ve had at least two hours since it stopped raining. Elite coaches need half that.

Thank you for reading End of the Bench! Share this post or we’ll make you hang out with Nolan’s dad.

Also, don’t need a dry field for the posterior chain and grip strength work with some kettlebells. As a Coach, you should know which kids have D-1 potential just from looking at their hands and hip flexibility. 

Nolan is almost five and, with his frame, should be able to power clean twice his body weight by now. Please fix it.

In case you’re wondering, I’d coach myself but I already QB a massive deal team – they crush it, by the way —so I don’t have the bandwidth. 

It’s a shame since I played D-III college ball. These kids could really benefit from someone who knows what they’re doing, so happy to advise you as time allows. 

Anyways, I also wanted to remind you to copy the wife on all emails since she handles all the kid stuff not related to elite sports achievement. Already told her to call in sick to work if the practice is back on, by the way, so Nolan will BE THERE as long as you don’t cancel again.

Here's another thought: at minimum, you need to be reserving batting cages for the team, there are dozens in the area. Not hard. 

You might think that tee-ballers only hit off the tee, but that is laughable and short-sighted. Top-tier tee-ballers need to see live pitching. 

If a player isn’t ready for the next level by mid-season, cut them. They’re obviously more suited to be a musician or a ballerina and they’ll start to drag down the true ballplayers like Nolan, who will easily compete with 16-year-olds at 12 if coached properly. 

My managing director told me that, and his buddy’s second cousin played tee-ball with Bryce Harper, so yeah.

Walking out of the gondi now, gotta run. Sorry I wasn’t able to get ahold of ya.

And Coach, since I’ve got you, a reminder to please film Nolan’s at-bats and upload them to the Box link I sent you. 

Agencies need high-quality footage now, so please use the newest iPhone on the team. One of the actual elite parents probably has one. 


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