Citing Flu Scare, Biden Bans Chiefs from Taylor Swift

The last thing this country needs.

By Rich Taylor

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an emotional Tuesday night Oval Office address to the nation, President Joe Biden citing “potentially dire harm to the nation’s economy,” signed a sweeping executive order aimed at preserving the health of Taylor Swift.

The Order reads in part: 

“Effective immediately and lasting until such time that the director of the Centers for Disease Control, the U.S. Surgeon General, and CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta declare the entirety of the Kansas City Chiefs’ roster, team personnel, and their extended families to be flu-free, American pop star Taylor Swift shall have zero contact with anyone associated with that organization.”

The drastic move comes following Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes falling ill Saturday after contracting the flu from his wife Brittany and their children Sterling and Bronze.

“Look folks, over the weekend, we narrowly avoided an economic catastrophe. Heck, thanks to the flu the lowly Broncos actually beat the Chiefs! Come on, man!” explained a visibly shaken Biden while plucking at his friendship bracelet. “Thankfully, by the grace of the Almighty, Taylor wasn’t canoodling with Travis Kelce or exchanging elaborately choreographed, disease-passing handshakes with Brittany Mahomes while encased in that petri dish of a luxury box in Denver. Well, as your president, I cannot and will not leave her health up to chance.”

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It is estimated that Swift’s Eras tour will provide a $5.7 billion boost to the country’s economy with individual tour stop cities seeing a $208 million bump in hotel room revenue, over and above normal seasonal levels. 

In Los Angeles, Swift’s six-day stop reportedly generated enough revenue to fund 3,300 new jobs.

“And don’t even get me started on her movie revenue,” shouted a blue Eras tour crewneck-sporting POTUS. “If we can get her to somehow lower mortgage rates, I think we’d be real swell.”

When reached for comment, Kelce said he was “pretty bummed out” about the forced separation from Swift but said he was coping by “sitting here in my Fanatics authentic Travis Kelce jersey, enjoying a delicious bowl of Campbell’s Chunky Soup along with a Bud Light and knowing that, thanks to Experian and Pfizer, both my credit and health are protected.”

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.

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