Chicago Area Man Pulls out Blackhawks Jersey

Da Bears R Bad.

By Clay Beyersdorfer 

CHICAGO—In a shocking turn of events, Lakeview East resident Mark Thompson made a bold statement today by unveiling his Chicago Blackhawks jersey, signaling that he's officially thrown in the towel on the Chicago Bears and is ready for the sweet relief of hockey season.

"I just can't take it anymore," Thompson declared as he proudly donned his Connor Bedard jersey in the midst of Chicago's scorching September heat. "I mean, it's been three agonizing weeks of watching the Bears stumble through games like a bunch of lost toddlers. Justin Fields looks about as comfortable as a cat at a dog show out there, and don't even get me started on the whole front office mess this week."

Thompson's decision to prematurely switch to hockey attire comes after the Bears' dismal 0-3 start to the 2023 NFL season, which has left fans more frustrated than trying to navigate Chicago traffic during rush hour.

"I used to be a die-hard Bears fan," Thompson admitted, shaking his head in disbelief. "But it's like they're actively trying to test our loyalty. I can't bear to watch another game of this madness. No pun intended."

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Experts agree that the Bears' recent struggles, both on and off the field, have pushed even the most dedicated fans to seek solace elsewhere. 

Sports psychologist Dr. Emily Roberts commented, "The Bears' woes have taken a toll on the mental health of their fan base. It's no surprise that people like Mr. Thompson are turning to the Blackhawks for some much-needed relief."

As Thompson strolled down the streets of Chicago proudly displaying his Blackhawks allegiance, he joined a growing movement of tragedy-plagued Bears fans who are ready to embrace the icy embrace of hockey season. 

"The Blackhawks might not be the best team right now either, but at least they're not causing me heart palpitations every Sunday," he quipped. “My doctor said I had to give up smoking or watching the Bears. Boy, do I look like an idiot?”

While the Bears may have lost one more fan to the allure of the upcoming Blackhawks season, it remains to be seen if they can salvage their season and win back the support of their exasperated fan base. 

At press time, Thompson was seen watching highlights from the 2015 Stanley Cup on his phone.

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.

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