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Celebrity Softball Team Extends Slump, Takes Three of Four From Athletics

Disappointing season.

By Mike Range

The Santa Clara Pod-Rays -- an actors-turned-podcasters celebrity softball team -- ended the season mired in their worst slump of the year, completing a weekend series in which they won only three of four versus the Oakland A's.

"We could live with taking only one of three from both The Balking Dead and Project Hit and Runway, despite both being sub-.500. Those things happen," said Smartless podcast co-host and team captain Jason Bateman. "But to lose one of four against the A's? Man, that's devastating."

Bateman’s co-host Will Arnett was also beside himself over the single loss.

"Did we get a little cocky?" Arnett said. "Of course we did, it was the freaking Oak… Land... A's. If you don't feel cocky, you better feel for a pulse. You might think our decision to have Sean Hayes touch a bat for the first time in his life and play short in the series finale was too far, but he went 3-for-4 and the A's have offered him a three-year deal. There's no way we should have lost."

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Why Won't You Date Me's Nicole Byer was equally frustrated. 

"Sure, I hit two homers today, but I also hit for the cycle. That's three hits that WEREN'T home runs, which is humiliating against these guys. It's my fault we lost."

"Nonsense," said first baseman Dax Shepard, host of Armchair Expert. "It was my idea to go to dinner last night at my new restaurant, Dax Shepard's Pie. Apparently, the lamb spent more time than is recommended outside the refrigerator. We were spewing our guts all game."

"Oh, come on," said losing pitcher Conan O'Brien, host of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. "Plenty of teams have beaten the A's while wracked with nuclear-grade food poisoning. What cost us was the rain delay in the eighth inning. We were all so worn out from yakking tainted meat all night, we fell asleep, and when the game resumed -- what with the new pitch clock rules -- we were charged with twenty-seven consecutive walks."

Following the walks, the Pod-Rays nearly pulled out a win on Office Ladies host Angela Kinsley's potential grand slam in the bottom of the ninth, however Kinsey was called out for passing a teammate on the basepath when she tripped over co-host Jenna Fischer, who was on her hands and knees just past second base, ralphing up the final bits of potatoes and carrots in her system. 

The slump comes at the worst possible time for the Pod-Rays, as the loss left them out of the Celebrity Softball League playoffs, a single game behind Ru Paul's Drag Bunts.

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.

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