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Cast of ‘Inside the NBA’ on TNT Get Massive New Contract to Guard the Gates of Hell
Not too turble.
By Mike Pickerl
The broadcast crew of TNT’s “Inside the NBA” show have reportedly agreed to a record-breaking contract to guard the gates of hell, sources tell End of the Bench.
“Really, the best part of our new contract is that we still get to work together doing what we love”, Ernie Johnson said candidly when reached for comment. “And that is to keep people from escaping the unending torture they’ve earned from a life of sin on Earth.”
End of the Bench managed to catch up with Johnson, Shaquille O’Neal, Charles Barkley, and Kenny “the Jet” Smith outside the burning entrance to eternal damnation just last week to discuss their new role as the newest gatekeepers to the afterlife.
“You know, when Cerberus announced his retirement, it was anyone’s guess as to who would replace him, and it was the brilliant minds at TNT that thought, ‘Hey we’ve already got a deal with the devil, and who better to take over for a three-headed dog than Ernie, Chuck, Shaq and The Jet?’” recanted Kenny Smith.
While the world may miss their crisp and refreshing NBA analysis, the cast has already made themselves right at home in the underworld by providing insightful, and often, humorous takes of their new surroundings.
“Look at this guy Shaqtin’ a fool, crying, while getting whipped by fire!” proclaimed Shaq while laughing at one of the Devil’s prisoners.
“Yeah, running like that just won’t get it done in this league”, said Charles Barkley, “The kids today think they can make it in Hell without giving it a full effort, but you’ve got to at least try running in a zig-zag!”
Our reporters were also treated to the gang’s breakdown of the nine circles of Hell.
“First you’ve got Limbo, which really isn’t so bad for Hell, they have it on a cruise I went on last year”, offered Shaq.
“Then you’ve got lust, gluttony, and greed, or as I like to call it, the ‘Lou Williams weekend in Atlanta,’” said Chuck. “From there you cut baseline to wrath, hair-a-say (what we believe was his pronunciation of “heresy”), and violence, then get to the rim with some fraud and treachery.”
With everybody seemingly on board, there’s really only one complaint to being Hell’s hottest new sports show, Johnson added.
“We’re really so grateful to Turner Sports for keeping us together, really the only downside is that the ferryman, Charon, on the river Styx won’t stop listening to Shaq Fu. It’s maddening.”
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