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Bucks Fire Doc Rivers After Failing to Win a Championship in 48 Hours

What a loser.

By Parker Johnson

MILWAUKEE – The Milwaukee Bucks announced this morning that their newly hired head coach, Doc Rivers, will be released from his position after just 48 hours, just days after firing head coach Adrian Griffin.

“It was a tough decision to let Doc go, but we simply demand excellence from our coaches,” Bucks general manager Jon Horst said in a statement. “It was fairly obvious after our previous coach’s pitiful performance. Sure, we were in second place in the Eastern Conference, and yes, we only gave him a month, but we realistically shouldn’t have lost any games during that stretch.”

The sentiment was echoed throughout the whole front office of the Bucks.

“You bring in a guy like Doc, and you expect instant results, and I mean instant,” said Dave Dean, vice president of basketball operations. “Why would we hire you unless you couldn’t get us a championship ASAP? I don’t care that it isn’t the postseason yet. You should’ve made those boys so good, that Adam Silver had no choice but to hand them the trophy within your first two games coaching them.”

Rivers was appalled by the Bucks’ sudden and rash decision.

“What the hell do they mean ‘they should hand us the trophy in the first two games?” Rivers said in a press conference following his firing and second game as head coach. “Doesn’t anyone in charge here know how the NBA works? I should’ve known that what happened to Coach Griffin would happen to me, but I just really wanted another season to prove to Joel Embiid that his sorry ass was the problem, not me.”

Former Bucks coach Adrian Griffin saw Rivers’ firing coming from a mile away.

“I gave that team all I had, led them to the second seed in the East, and it wasn’t good enough for a first-year coach, apparently,” Griffin said. “You know, I honestly used to think that Budenholzer guy was a bit of a bum. But now that I’m thinking about it, firing him for losing a first-round game after winning a championship three years before that is a little bit fucked up. Mike, let’s grab a beer or something.”

At press time, Bucks star Giannis Antetekounmpo was seen making calls not to a new coach, but to Indiana Pacers staff, still trying to secure the game ball from his career-high night.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we get fired.

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