- End of the Bench
- Brooklyn Nets Unveil New Tin Foil Uniform For 2022-23 NBA Season
Brooklyn Nets Unveil New Tin Foil Uniform For 2022-23 NBA Season
By Ryan Fleishman
BROOKLYN - The Nets have revealed a new uniform design made entirely from tin foil for use throughout the 2022-23 season.
The tin foil uniform, created at the behest of Kyrie Irving, will feature a crinkly, grey design that blocks all 5G, RFID, electromagnetic fields, and other forms of mind control that opposing teams might try to enact on the Nets.
“We actually had our designs for the 2022-23 season set already, but Kyrie brought in a set of tin foil jerseys that he personally folded together and wouldn’t stop wafting incense into Barclay’s Center until we accepted the design,” said Senior Vice President of Marketing Andrew Karson nervously while Irving glared at him from across the room. “We’ve had to double our cleaning crew to keep up with all the sweat that comes from playing in a literal tin foil suit, but at this point, we’ve already done so much to keep Kyrie happy so screw it, am I right?”
The team was surprisingly receptive towards the new tin foil outfit, as Kevin Durant said he’ll wear whatever Kyrie wears and Ben Simmons was reminded of a fabulous high-fashion piece he saw at the latest gathering of socialites.
Steve Nash suggested that the reflective material might enable some tricky maneuvers where KD and Kyrie play iso while all the side characters focus on blinding the other team, though steals may become harder as the enemy team can hear players crunch behind them.
Tin foil jerseys will be available for purchase at the Barclays Center for cash only, as barcodes and credit transactions all utilize the Mark of the Beast, according to Irving.
The Nets plan to debut the tin foil uniform during their fourth game of the season against the Minnesota Timberwolves, as Kyrie read that Minneapolis has the second-highest 5G coverage of all US cities and refused to play there without proper protection.
The team will rotate the tin foil jersey in with the usual home and away jerseys, except for Kyrie who refuses to take the jersey off at any point during the 2022-23 season.
At press time, NBA Eastern Conference rivals and pro-vaccine global elitists have all been forced to abandon their psychic attack programs after Kyrie Irving successfully outwitted them once again.