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Brooklyn Nets Reveal Plan to Acquire League’s Worst People Then Implode in Heroic Sacrifice

This has to work, right?

BROOKLYN - The Brooklyn Nets have revealed their multi-stage plan to recruit the “biggest headaches in professional basketball” before “taking down the organization in a noble act of self-sacrifice”, End of the Bench has learned. 

The plan’s unveiling comes after the team fired Steve Nash this week to make room for Ime Udoka.

“We hope to use our unique position as one of only thirty teams in the NBA to make some real change in the world by gathering all the ‘problem children’ in the league who have escaped justice or some small resemblance of accountability for their actions and bringing them down with the ship,” said Nets owner Joe Tsai, who outlined a year-long plan to acquire other problematic players in the NBA such as Josh Primo, Miles Bridges, Jaxson Hayes, and even Eric Bledsoe from the Shanghai Sharks. 

Tsai and the rest of the Nets leadership have been busy enacting the plan as of late, which has included star point guard Kyrie Irving’s recent tweets to anti-Semitic material.

“I cannot admonish Kyrie Irving for his disgusting, anti-Semitic comments until we lure him into a false sense of security before taking him down from the inside,” Tsai, who admitted that he came up with this plan after being inspired by Lelouch, a character from the hit anime series “Code Geass.” 

“I am willing to shoulder all the evils of the world to take them down and bring us salvation,” he added.

Sources tell End of the Bench that the organization has also explored other moves like taking on Robert Sarver as a minority investor and even had preliminary discussions with Kanye West, Steve Bannon, and even former president Donald Trump.

Joe Tsai swore he would even take out himself, citing his defense of the One China Policy.

“We want this organization built from the worst, top to bottom, and it starts with me,” Tsai said.

When pressed further on why he’s choosing to incite chaos within his own organization instead of building a more traditional NBA dynasty, Tsai incoherently babbled for several minutes before walking away.

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