Bill Belichick's Post-Coital Press Conference

By Rich Frost

The following is a recently obtained transcript from Bill Belichick’s last press conference following his lackluster performance on his most recent date night.

Bill Belichick: I’ll just start off with this. It was a frustrating date night. We didn’t do anything well enough. There’s not much to say until we watch the film. But there were problems in every area. Everything could have been better. The sexy banter could have been better. The weight distribution could have been better. The tongue flicks in the ear could have been better. Honestly, there’s not a whole lot more to say right now. It’s not your fault. It was a frustrating date night.

Dan Shaughnessy, Boston Globe: Bill, what would you say went wrong on date night?

BB: What didn’t go wrong? Just frustrating, Dan. We’ll see how practice goes this week.

Jeni Tsu, Vogue: Hi Bill. What are the challenges of keeping things interesting and new on date night?

BB: You’ve got to start all over again. Each time. It doesn’t matter how the last date night went. You move on to the next one. Your level of detail and focus is a big process.

Brad Gerger, Consumer Reports: How would you rate the quality of date night?

BB: We do enough things well. We just need to be more consistent. Sometimes you have to scheme differently. Run a reverse cowboy. I thought there were some good things we did back there. But we have to do a better job with foreplay, and G-spotting. Erogenous zone blocking is something to watch out for.

Jeremy Winer, Adult Video News Network: What positions do you think you might try on future date nights?

BB: It’s a pretty big playbook. Josh McDaniels puts a lot of things together. Got to give him credit for that. As I said before. Not everyone can execute a reverse cowboy. Maybe throw in a corkscrew. Maybe a sticky waffle. Or a giraffe in a high tree.

Hannah Morris, Time: It must be difficult to schedule date nights.

BB: We’ll set up what we feel is best for the time we have to prepare and be ready to go. We’ll start with focus, and we’ll look at efficiency – it’s the same for both of us. A lot is contingent on practices. You’ve got to practice well during the week. There are a lot of things the press doesn’t see us do to get ready.  

Dan Shaughnessy: Do you ever think it might be time to pass the hoodie on to someone who can relate to a modern date night?

BB: …

Quinn Sebastopol, Maxim: Any message for those going on their first date night?

BB: Try to do it well and communicate your needs well. Not a big brainer. Just do it well.

Quinn Sebastopol: How about the level of confidence after so many date nights?

BB: I don’t think we lack confidence.

Jeni Tsu: What do you consider to be the greatest date night ever?

BB: I appreciate the question, but as I’ve said before, any success I had was because of the partners. You can X and O at the bottom of love letters all you want, but in the end, it’s all about good date nights. It comes down to the partner. The basic principles. Execution. That’s really where the credit goes. You can date night plan all you want but if you don’t execute, you’re not going to be satisfied. I’ve been very fortunate over the years because of some great partners – the greatest partners in the history of date nights. A lot of very, very good partners. Very good. A lot. And teamwork. Involving multiple partners. It’s not one guy doing it.

Jay Sterns, CBS Sports: Do you plan to reintroduce the red-zone Iso slant? The Dakota formation worked so well for so —

BB: Look. Are there any more date night questions here? I’ve got to hit the shower and watch the film.

JW, AVN: Can we expect to see the film released at any point?

That’s up to the league.