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Big Ten Suspends Jim Harbaugh, Belief In What “Ten” Means

Numbers are relative.

By Mike Range

INDIANAPOLIS - The Big Ten Conference suspended University of Michigan football coach Jim Harbaugh last week and now will also suspend their belief in the number “ten,” End of the Bench has learned.

Harbaugh’s suspension was announced as lasting for three games, though what exactly “three” means is “difficult to say,” according to conference Commissioner Tony Petitti, considering the Big Ten has consisted of eleven to fourteen teams over the past thirty-three years.

“That’s right,” Petitti said when reached for comment. “And we’ll be the Big Ten next year after USC, UCLA, Washington, and Oregon join. Like time, ‘ten’  is a construct, man. Your reality is not my reality. Or my wife’s, for that matter, who constantly insists that ‘ten’ is much bigger than I say it is.”

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How this outlook affects Jim Harbaugh’s suspension remains to be seen, as the longtime head coach was expected to return to the sidelines on December 2 after missing games versus Penn State, Maryland, and Ohio State. 

But by the time that date rolls around, who knows what “three” will mean to those in charge of the Big “Ten”?

“Look, come December, ‘three’ may very well still represent three, but there is certainly a non-zero chance that ‘twenty-seven’ will be the new ‘three,’ and Mr. Harbaugh will not return until late 2025,” Petitti said, taking a long drag from the blunt he just rolled. “It’s just details, dude. You want a hit of this?”

Despite Harbaugh’s suspension, the Wolverines managed to defeat rival Penn State 24–15 last weekend, though they may have lost 27–3, according to Big 10 officials. 

“There is no way to know for sure, the score is as relative as time,” an official added.

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.

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