Belichick Smiles After Win, Hurts Face

By Dave Henry

FOXBOROUGH - In a shocking scene at the post-game press conference, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick cracked a slight smile and injured his face after defeating the New York Jets Sunday.

Belichick suffered a grade 2 facial strain, which temporarily caused the face to be stuck in the smile position for several hours.

In a press conference late Sunday evening, the Patriots’ team doctors explained that when the body uses muscles that aren't used to being activated, it can cause harm to said muscles.

"Smile muscles, just like other muscles on the body, must be used or they will go soft," the doctor said. "So, like when you get a hernia after lifting a heavy object after not working out to prepare for said lift, you can pull your smile muscles.

In this case, Belichick has not smiled since 1979, so his smile muscles were frail and out of shape and could not handle the momentary expression of joy."

The world's pre-eminent football team face doctor went on to say that Belichick's smile muscles were so weak, he couldn't move his face back to his usual resting "bitch face.”

Despite the dire situation, the medical staff fully believes the NFL’s premier head coach will “be okay.”

"It was touch and go for a while," said Patriot. "We weren't sure we could get him to return to his dour countenance. There has been only one other case in all my years as a pre-eminent football/supervillain face doctor where we were unable to successfully remove the stuck smile from a face, and that was with a man you might know from many, many, many, really too many, Batman movies -- the Joker."

End of the Bench managed to reach Belichick from his hospital bed, only he grunted, then snorted, and mumbled "we're on to Chicago." Sounds like Belichick should be just fine.