Belichick on Patriots' Disastrous 2023 Season: 'YOLO'

You only coach the GOAT once.

By Rich Taylor

FOXBOROUGH, MASS. - NFL fans expecting to see a frustrated New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick slam his Microsoft Surface table onto the turf may be in for a long wait, sources tell End of the Bench.

According to team insiders, Belichick has made peace with his squad’s near-total ineptitude and is instead finally living his best life.

“After the Pats were outscored 72-3 over the last couple weeks, it was as if some evil fairytale spell was broken,” reports a member of the team coaching staff. “He just keeps around screaming YOLO.”

Belichick has seemingly accepted the fact that his Tom Brady-less team just isn’t very good and that there isn’t much he can do to make it any better.

“Any observer can see that roster decay, poor quarterback play, and atrocious fundamental football have become the new Patriot Way,” a source told EOTB. “Bill is 71 and I think he decided that there was more to life than trying to turn Mac Jones or Bailey Zappe into a serviceable quarterback.”

The reporter noted that Belichick abruptly canceled a mid-week practice ahead of Sunday’s contest against the Buffalo Bills in order to spend the day in the nearby Smokey Mountains.

“The team was in full pads and taking the practice field when Bill blew his whistle and shouted that his foliage tracker said the leaves were near peak colors,” said the source. “Nobody knew what that meant until we saw him put on his beret, grab his painting gear, hop into his new VW bug, and speed off.”

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Another source confirmed rumors that the future Hall of Fame coach has even recently started attending a watercolor painting class at a Boston area recreation center:

“Oh yeah, he is way into the painting thing. You have to understand, the man has not drawn with anything other than chalk since 1979, so sometimes I’ll pass by his office and he is in there just holding his paintbrush giggling like a kindergartner, painting away.”

Having been singularly obsessed with football for over 40 years, Belichick seems to be taking full advantage of his new hands-off approach to coaching.

The combination of the team’s 1-5 record and Belichick’s indifference has led to speculation that the future Hall of Famer could find himself on the hot seat with Patriot owner Robert Kraft. 

Reports indicate, however, that Kraft remains upbeat, knowing that a league-worst record could yield the rights to draft Heisman Trophy-winning USC quarterback Caleb Williams, reigniting Belichick’s passion for coaching and ultimately restoring the franchise to greatness.

“Ownership is hoping for the best,” said one insider. “And if we know anything about Bob Kraft it is that he loves a happy ending.”

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.

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