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An Open Letter of Apology to Bills Nation from Jason Kelce (Especially to the Family of the Kid I Bit)


By Rich Taylor

To the great fans of the Buffalo Bills and, in particular, the family of little Timmy Anderson:

Hi. It’s me, I’m the problem, it’s me,  future Pro Football Hall of Famer Jason Kelce. 

I took out this full-page ad in today’s Buffalo News simply to own and apologize for my behavior during Sunday’s NFL playoff game between your plucky, lovable loser Buffalo Bills and my awesome little brother’s Kansas City Chiefs…

…especially the part at the end where I nearly bit the head off of young Timmy. 

I would have probably written this letter even without the insistence of my legal team because, with the benefit of hindsight, it is clear that my actions may have been a little over-the-top.

I could blame the fact that, with my team out of the playoffs, the only limit to how many beers I can drink is the quantity available in the stadium. 

Maybe I shouldn’t have pre-gamed with the famous Bills Mafia beforehand. Perhaps they would not have let me have that seventh bowling ball full of Jagermeister if they had any idea what would happen just a few hours later.

Thank you for reading End of the Bench! Share this or we’ll take your Buffalo Wings.

Maybe it was the nerves that came with finally getting a chance to hang with my Travie’s smoking hot girlfriend Taylor Swift or the fact that the suite had an open bar (so cool!). 

Maybe I decided to rip off my shirt and howl since I am probably retiring and, if I can be honest and vulnerable here, I’m not exactly sure who I am if I am not a gigantic, bearded NFL center. Also, you Bills fans gave it to me pretty good there in the stadium and we were having so much fun talking trash weren’t we?

Well, we know the rest. Your kicker choked on a game-tying field goal team meaning Travis’ team won and I get to go to another game with Taylor. 

Everything is a bit of a blur after that kick sailed wide but according to the many witness accounts, I guess I chugged both my left and right-hand beers, leaped from the suite, and into the crowd where I grabbed and downed whatever was in the cups of those in that unfortunate section in front of our awesome box. 

After a prolonged struggle, I allegedly grabbed a giant buffalo chicken wing out of an aggressive but overmatched man’s arms and took a giant bite. The next thing I remember was waking up in my hotel room covered in what I thought was buffalo sauce.

Well, we all now know that the terrified man was Timmy’s father, Gene, and the giant wing was, well, Timmy, and for that, I am Super Bowl-level sorry. 

Nobody is more relieved than yours truly to hear that Timmy is going to be okay. Thankfully, I must have thought the wing/Timmy was not boneless and thus took more of a large nibble than my usual chomp. 

Hey, I’m even a little sorry that the Bills lost again because you all have had some tough luck over the years, not to mention I am guessing I wouldn’t have done the whole biting Timmy’s head thing.

Thanks for understanding. And I promise to do better if Travis beats you guys again next season.

Affectionately in your head forever,

Jason Kelce

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