Adult Kickball League Star Demands Trade to New Post-Game Bar

By Devin Wallace

NEW YORK - Central Park Kickball League star Kenny Swenson, reportedly unhappy with his team’s post-game tradition of drinks at O’Malley’s, demanded a trade to a new bar on the Upper West Side.

“I’ve accomplished everything I can at O’Malley’s,” said Swenson, pointing out every draft beer he’s chugged, then vomited, on the bar’s menu. “I’ve put blood, sweat, puke, a little pee, and usually the three or four microwave chili dogs I wolf down when I get here, into this bar. It’s time to move on to greener pastures,” said Swenson, referring to an equally overpriced and equally inauthentic Irish bar near Central Park.

Blake Hall, a teammate of Swenson’s, said he understood the desire to go to a new bar.

“Kenny’s one of the best in the league, and he deserves a bar that can match his level of play,” said Hall while shotgunning a Coors Light before an at-bat. “At a certain point, it’s on us to step up. Kenny stays later than everyone, like way late, even after the bar closes and the owner begs him to leave. He drinks more than anyone, even when the owner begs him to step. Actually, I’m starting to think his demand might have something to do with being banned from the bar.”

Team Captain Ross Fenkel said the team had no plans to abandon the bar they’ve been coming to for the past three years.

“This team isn’t about one person, it’s about all of us,” said Fenkel, referring to the dozen men in their mid-thirties who play kickball every Tuesday night. “I’m glad Kenny got his personal record, you know, eating thirteen chili dogs in ten minutes, and I’m happy he got his t-shirt, you know from eating those chili dogs, but this is a team sport, and we need to focus on team objectives, like winning the league Flip Cup tournament in two weeks.”

League sources indicate if a trade to a new bar isn’t granted, Swenson may hold out for a year, as he was seen texting with Brodie Hamilton of Sandlot Sports Dodgeball League.