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Abandoned Pac-12 Athletic Programs to Be Sold off in Yard Sale

Leave no program behind.

by T. Kent Jones

PALO ALTO – Four remaining Pac-12 athletic programs, Cal, Stanford, Oregon State, and Washington State, will be sold off in a yard sale after being left without a home due to conference realignments, End of the Bench has learned. 

The programs will be sold to the highest bidder after a tumultuous week that saw Arizona, Arizona State, Utah, and Colorado leave the Pac-12 to join the Big 12, while Oregon, UCLA, USC, and Washington will reportedly join the Big 10.  

“I felt so bad for the ones that got left behind,” said Susie Reynolds, a retired schoolteacher in Palo Alto, who has generously agreed to sell the four NCAA Division I sports programs on her front lawn alongside personal items from her attic and garage.

“There’s still plenty of good value left in those four,” Reynolds told End of the Bench. “Stanford is still in its original packaging and is, to my eye, museum quality. Plus, I can see a child falling in love with Benny Beaver from Oregon State.”

As for Cal-Berkeley, she replied, “Now THAT is a real collector’s item, you can’t find vintage counter-culture artifacts like that anymore. And Washington State is…well…fine. Poor little Wazzu, nobody should be orphaned this way.” 

The sale will take place this Saturday from 9 a.m. to sunset and will also feature a wide array of family items like Barbies, lawn darts, old Christmas sweaters, a collection of Beach Boys memorabilia, and one avocado-green bean bag chair.

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“One conference’s trash is another conference’s treasure,” Reynolds added. “If someone buys Wazzu, I’ll throw in that eight-track player for free.”

The longtime educator regrets that none of the school’s former conference mates have made contact since the realignment. 

“Oregon has completely ghosted Oregon State. Washington won’t take Wazzu’s texts. Close brothers like that torn apart and for what, TV money? I can see UCLA and USC being total assholes, but this is just sad.” 

Does Reynolds imagine that one of the major conferences might show up on Saturday and try to buy a Pac-12 cast-off on the cheap? 

“That thought occurred to me,” she said. “What if the SEC stops by? I could make out like a bandit.” 

Reynolds then let out a sigh. 

“I don’t like to get their hopes up. Those poor schools are just so down on themselves right now,” she added. “I tell them everything’s going to turn out all right, but maybe it won’t, you know? They never dreamed they might have to play Fresno State every year.”

Meanwhile, Reynolds is busying herself preparing for the yard sale. 

“I can’t bear the idea of them sitting on my lawn, all alone, unloved.”

And what if no one takes them in the yard sale? 

“If no one takes them, I guess they’ll have to sleep in my garage. Maybe that's why I cleaned it out and I just didn't know it.”

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