A Letter of Appreciation to Our Fans

Thanks for everything.

On Tuesday, Sports Illustrated's Michael Silver reported that the Urban Meyer situation has reached a "crisis point." One player told Silver that Meyer has zero credibility and had very little to begin with. According to Silver, players were put off by the fact that Meyer canceled Monday's team meeting as he continued to deal with the fallout from the weekend videos that saw him inappropriately touch a woman at a bar in Ohio. One player reportedly saw Meyer as being "too scared."

by Rich TaylorTo Our Valued Fans: Before my family and I depart for our annual early October European river cruise, I want to take a moment to thank each and every one of you for your ongoing support of our beloved ballclub. Even though the ball didn’t bounce our way in 2021, our dedicated fanbase continued to attend, watch, and listen from spring training right thru game 162. Oh sure, I am told by our social media intern that not everyone was happy with our decision to slash payroll shortly after we got the city to donate the land and fully finance our new stadium. But it just isn’t realistic to think we can outspend the big market teams. We have to be savvier. I mean, I am writing this from the back of a Wi-Fi-equipped Lexus town car, so, like my father and grandfather who owned the team before me, I think I know a little bit about success and achievement. Business savvy is one reason we didn’t start the season with Jimmy “the Howitzer” Posard, our prized rookie of the year candidate catcher, on the roster. By keeping him at our AAA affiliate for 16 days, we gained almost a full year before he will be eligible for free agency when we will in all probability trade him for “prospects.” Like my gampy always said: “The future lies ahead!” Of course, nobody could anticipate we would open the season 0-14 and set MLB records for both passed balls and opponent stolen bases per game (I swear, these days they have a stat for everything!). Nor could we anticipate that our travel coordination apprentice would get in that unfortunate accident last May while attempting to post a TikTok documenting his driving of Jimmy to join the MLB squad. I am told by our switchboard volunteers that many of you questioned why we didn’t just fly Jimmy. Well, flights are pricey. They also get delayed and canceled. One sure thing about a (non-TikTok-totaled) car is that you can pretty much predict how long that 800-mile trip will take. The good news is that, once our rookie came off the disabled list last month, he showed glimpses of what the buzz was all about. I mean, up until we had to shut him down after two weeks due to (probably non-TikTok crash-related) elbow issues. Even with these headwinds, you all continued to turn out. I also want to thank you all for your patience as we tried new ways to enhance the fan experience. I think we all fell in love with our “Costumed Characters from the Local Community Theater’s Last Production” 7th inning race. Also, our move to all-digital ticketing reduced time spent at the stadium entrances while allowing us to greatly scale back on HumTix (human ticket takers). Our SVP of Sales & Marketing also tells me that you all were good enough to accept user agreements that provided “a buttload of data to mine.” The move to an all-digital experience also allowed us to create and deploy DynCon (dynamic concessions pricing) which was a win for all. Now, as the temperature increases, so do the prices on beverages of all kinds! But, because our fans mean everything to us, those prices eventually come right back down to their normal, stadium value levels for our 9th inning “one for the road” drink specials served in a travel cup emblazoned with our team logo and liability waiver! Similarly, you never blinked as parking fees increased.It may be this pre-vacation D'usse XO cognac talking, but did you know that we have a little front office pool on what is the top price we can charge for parking? Here’s a scoop: clearly $95 isn’t it! Well, there’s always next year to get a winner on that one. I also want to give a big tip of the hat to our loyal television viewers and radio broadcast listeners. Speaking of hats, thank you for continuing to purchase any “limited edition” hats we produce. I am thrilled to share that we will kick off next season with a special “Opening Day 2012” cap - our 100th such variation. Well, it looks like the jet is waiting for me, so I best wrap this up. Look, I know 2021 didn’t end with us in the postseason for the first time since that rascal Bill Clinton was in the White House, but I am proud that we stayed true to our season slogan: “Rebuilding!” With your continued blind support, I promise that this team will always continue to rebuild. And remember, only 131 days until pitchers and catchers report. Hopefully “the Howitzer” drops his trade demand and lawsuit by then. Au Revoir, Your Favorite (Rebuilding) MLB Team Owner

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