- End of the Bench
- A Guide to Post-NBA Season Depression
A Guide to Post-NBA Season Depression
We're here for you.
So your team was just eliminated from the NBA Playoffs? Maybe they were swept in four straight games despite claiming to have “higher ambitions.” We know how you feel - this can be an extremely confusing, frustrating, and emotional time in life. Accepting you need support is the first step in the road to recovery, and we’re proud of you for getting the help you need.
Here are some things you can do to cure that post-NBA season depression:
Make sure to get your feelings out on Twitter
It’s been scientifically proven that replying to a stranger’s tweet and then proceeding to fight with them publicly can help with the pesky feelings you’re dealing with. Maybe you’re a man who just needs to tell a woman she doesn’t know anything about basketball to take the edge off. That’s okay. Let it out, buddy. It’s not like everything you post online is traceable for eternity.
Point out all your team’s flaws
After months of grueling physical exertion, multiple COVID outbreaks, constant travel, and a gritty playoff series, we are positive that your favorite NBA player just needs to hear how much they suck. Make sure to point out every missed shot they made, every foul they committed, and times when they just should have TRIED HARDER. It will make them, but more importantly, YOU, feel better.
Pray to the Basketball Gods for the downfall of your enemies
Disclaimer: We DO NOT condone Voodoo… in most cases.
The basketball gods are fickle beings, they giveth and they WILL taketh away. Doing a yearly check-in with them just to make sure they know your soul still belongs to them isn’t a bad idea. This relationship is a two-way street, after all. Maybe, just a suggestion, you throw in a little comment about a particular player missing a game-winning buzzer-beater? Can’t hurt to try.
Re-integrate back into society… or not? Up to you.
Slide back into those group chats shamelessly as your friends should be aware of the fact that you’ve ghosted them for weeks because basketball was on. If your friends were NOT trying to find NBA Playoffs coverage 24/7… we are here to tell you that you need new friends. Find people who support you retreating into your man cave for months to watch the playoffs… and better if they join you. Vitamin D drops were invented for times like these.
Beg on your knees for your job back
This applies to those of you who booked flights on a whim to go watch Game Seven in the other team’s city because it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and your team may never make it that far again!
Unfortunately, your boss may not see it that way, after you missed two days of work with no notice. We suggest finding a work environment that supports you in your endeavors – but we also understand you may have “a mortgage” and “kids to feed.”
Teach the kids a lesson about being a real fan and let em’ know that they may be eating microwave dinners for the next month, but it was worth it because Daddy got to scream “REF YOU SUCK” at a 50-year-old man in a pinstripe shirt…
Apologize to your wife/girlfriend/partner for your Playoff Mood Swings
If they truly love you, they will understand that the Playoffs are a stressful time – a wide array of emotions are expected. If they want you at your NBA Championship Parade high, they should accept you at your My Team Just Got Swept low. We suggest making a point of this in your wedding vows, to make it all the more legally binding.
Call your Mom back
When you’re at your saddest after the playoffs are over, calling your Mom can make you feel a little better. Unless, of course, Game Seven happened to be on her birthday, and you forgot to call her all day because you were nervous, and then missed her party because it started at the same time as the game. In that case, your Mom may ignore you. She just doesn’t understand. Tell her to plan her birth date around playoff season next time.
Accept defeat and pledge allegiance to another team
Only one team can win, right? We’ll get 'em next year. Now, it’s time to throw all your support into another team. We recommend choosing the team that will now face the team that just knocked YOUR team out. It’s therapeutic. Sure, you criticized them all year and constantly wished for their downfall… but it’s DIFFERENT now. You have a personal vendetta to attend to.
No matter how you choose to cope - we’re here for you. Unless you’re from the city that just knocked our team out – then I regret to inform you that we have a lifelong grudge. Lifelong as in, we’ll forget about it the second next season starts because WE’RE WINNING A CHAMPIONSHIP NEXT YEAR FOR SURE!