A Drinking Game for The NBA Finals

By Noah Cohen-Greenberg and Sam Mermin

1. Take a sip if Steve Curry hits a three-pointer.

2. Take two sips if Marvin Smart steals the ball.

3. One more sip for an alley-hoop.

4. Another two sips if your wife makes you pause the game while your nephew Curtis uses the bathroom for the fiftieth time. 

5. A sip if Jayson Totem slam dunks it.

6. What’s Curtis even doing in there, anyway?

7. A sip if an announcer compares Clay Thompson to (his father?) “the old Clay Thompson.”

8. A big sour drink every time your freak nephew’s favorite player Paxton Pritchard makes a three-pointer.

9. Two sips if Curtis tells you to “shut up” for admiring a player he doesn’t like. Horford plays the game the right way, and does not move like an old man!

10. Three sips if your wife laughs at Curtis’s joke but promises she’s “laughing with you, not at you.”

11. Step outside and be alone for a second during the commercial break. Breathe. Curtis isn’t the boss of you. Curtis is an eighth-grader.

12. Two sips if Curtis wins $250 on FanDuel by correctly predicting the final digit of each team’s score at halftime. His username is “uncleDumba$$.” How does a thirteen-year-old even make a FanDuel account? Isn’t that illegal?

13. Three sips if the eight-leg parlay you bet after Curtis goads you into downloading FanDuel fails within ten minutes.

14. Three more sips if you discover your wife let Curtis use her credit card to make his FanDuel account. They’ve agreed to split the winnings fifty-fifty over your loud objections.

15. It’s not your job to take care of a twelve-year-old snot-nosed freak show just because he’s “family.” In-law is not family. At least not according to the Constitution. And why does he get to sit in the nice recliner?

16. Two sips if your wife is somehow “Tired of your whining” even though you’re watching this stupid game with her nephew. CURTIS IS NOT FAMILY HE IS JUST AN IN-LAW.

17. So a person can just drop their shithead son off at their brother-in-law’s house before their big vacation to Greece but the guy whose house it is can’t tell Curtis to “can it” after the fiftieth “Okay, boomer” joke? But that’s fine!

18. One more sip for an and-one.

19. Two more sips for Raymond Green’s famous antics.

20. Two sips if Curtis calls you a “Bitch” when Jayson Totem’s twenty-sixth point of the night completes his twelve-leg same-game parlay for a $5,000 payout.

21. Another sip if Curtis dubs himself the “King of Basketball” and your wife excitedly remarks that he should be a coach when he grows up.

22. Finish your drink if you start to believe Curtis.

23. One last sip when Curtis decides it’s okay for everybody to go to bed.