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8 Times in Adulthood I Would Have Loved Halftime Orange Slices
A citrus snack stands the test of time.
It’s a summer day, your tiny legs are beaten from running up and down one-half of a regulation soccer field.
The whistle blows as halftime starts.
You run to the bench and Sammy’s mom brings over a large size, stained Tupperware with a red lid filled with Orange Slices.
Suddenly, you are full of life again, energized, and ready to tackle any obstacle thrown your way. There simply is no better way to reinvigorate your mind, body, and soul.
Orange Slices — they just hit differently during halftime.
Therefore, here are eight moments in adulthood where I would have appreciated a mid-activity citrus slice.
When you watched movies as a kid, working in an office was made to seem MUCH cooler than it actually is. In reality, it’s about 2 hours of actual work, 4 hours of meaningless small talk, and pretending to go to the bathroom so you can text your friend about how annoying Kim from accounting is in peace. Imagine if someone just waltzed into the midday staff meeting with a bunch of orange slices. Sure you’d be sticky for the rest of the day but it would hit the spot more than those stale cookies Kim always brings… ugh Kim.
Fighting in the comments section of a Facebook post
You usually avoid it because Facebook is for middle-aged PTA moms and guys named Steve who read too many conspiracy theories — but something about this mean girl from high school being aggressively anti-vax set you off. Your knuckles are white from typing so fast, but then the orange slices come and suddenly you’re rejuvenated enough to continue the good fight. Power on, soldier.
Nothing to help process the trauma of your past relationship like a little mid-therapy orange slice break. Imagine 25 and a half minutes into the 52-minute therapeutic hour there is a soft knock on the door and the kind receptionist hands you a plate of orange slices. She definitely just heard you cry, so it’s a bit embarrassing, but you appreciate them anyway.
During a Break-Up
He could have done this in the privacy of our home but instead, we are in a crowded restaurant. It’s awkward. You wanted to break up anyway but it’s annoying that he got to it first. He’s crying, you’re… not. Very awkward. The waiter quickly approaches and slides a plate onto the table — it’s orange slices. Suddenly things are just better. You wrap the extras in a napkin, slide them into your purse, and agree to come by on Saturday for your things.
In the changing rooms at the mall
Buying clothes is already the worst, wouldn’t it be so much better if there were orange slices to give you a little sugar boost? Make you feel less sad about skinny jeans being out of style and low-rise coming back in? A better option than mall pretzels??
During a College Exam
Like the ones they held in the giant gymnasium on campus, where rows of desks go as far as the eye can see and the depression in the air is so thick you could cut through it with a butter knife. You finish the multiple-choice section and are just about to flip to the essay section when the orange slices are handed out… you get an A, graduate with honors and your Dad is finally proud of you.
Tense family dinner
Your Mom and Uncle are fighting again. but in a passive-aggressive way. You’ve finished your plate in silence and are ready to be excused, but dessert isn’t out yet, you don’t know what to do with your hands… enter Orange Slices. Perfect, day saved. Your family isn’t on speaking terms anymore, but at least you had some orange slices.
They had the right idea when they gave us Orange Slices at halftime — sugary, hydrating, and made you ready to get back in there for more. Apply that logic to sex and suddenly you wonder why oranges aren’t next to the condoms at the grocery store…
BRING BACK THE ORANGE SLICES, DAMN IT!
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