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2024 Yankees Roster Projected to Be Most Talented to Ever Lose in Wild Card Round


By Devin Wallace

NEW YORK - After acquiring San Diego Padres outfielder Juan Soto to pair with stars Aaron Judge and Giancarlo Stanton, many within the baseball world believe the 2024 Yankees roster will be the most talented team in the history of baseball to inevitably flame out in a catastrophically embarrassing loss in the Wild Card round of next season’s playoffs.

Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman, who bought himself nine more months of employment before a definite unceremonial firing next October, expects the team to exceed all expectations, as long as those expectations are how little the team will accomplish.

“This group of guys will combine for something historic,” said Cashman, already scheduling a massive watch party for Wild Card Weekend and nothing after that. “Historically disappointing, I mean. No team in the history of baseball will defy expectations like these fellas, in the worst way possible.”

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Sources say the spending - and subsequent late-season implosion - of their crosstown rival Mets was a deciding factor in upgrading the roster.

“I have to compete with owners like Steve Cohen,” said Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner. “Owners who spend every penny ensuring expectations are as high as possible so the Twins, Tigers, or some other stupid team can painfully destroy those hopes and dreams. The Yankees won’t be outdone, especially not in shattering the goodwill of our fans next postseason. That’s the modern Yankee way.”

Yankees officials say they’re hard at work prepping this iconic roster for unprecedented mortification, sharing computer-generated images of Soto winning World Series MVP, the entire team parading down Fifth Avenue after winning the title, and dozens of other graphics that will be mocked on ESPN for years to come.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we’re traded to New York.

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