19 Fantasy Football Tips from a Fantasy Loser
Foolproof tips for fools.
By Ryan Sutton
1. Forget to sign up for the league until the Commissioner absolutely hounds you to do it
The entire league has been checking every day, wondering if you are going to sign up. They are annoyed because you’re always late, but they need you in the league because playing you is basically an automatic win. This builds rivalries and makes every game important.
2. Be busy at the end of August
Be sure to have a VERY busy, but loosely tracked social calendar. Whatever time the league picks for the draft will work. Don’t even bother checking the calendar you share with your significant other.
3. DO NOT READ ADVICE COLUMNS
They all contradict themselves…
4. Do your research
Watch one preseason game. Hard to decide which one? Whichever random game is on as you are falling asleep one night. Bengals-Browns, 16-10 with 3:23 left in the 3rd quarter…this is the research no one else doing. Be VERY impressed by the rookie RB scoring touchdowns in the fourth quarter against practice squad players. It is sure to translate against Myles Garrett and Jadeveon Clowney.
5. Rely on the goodwill of your friends
Don’t worry about being on time for the draft. The league is full of your friends, and they’ll push it back fifteen minutes so you can get home from that anniversary dinner you totally spaced on. Your significant other and the Commish are now furious with you, but at least everyone else in the league still likes you.
6. Trust auto-draft
So, they started without you, trashed you in the chat room, and you had to auto-draft the first two rounds. No biggie! You can build around Matthew Stafford AND Taylor Heinicke. From here on out, just be sure to focus on drafting the players from your favorite team. Are you a Jaguars fan? Great! DJ Chark Jr. is a sure-fire WR1 and is definitely still on the board.
7. Get emotionally attached to each player
The draft is over, review your team. It looks great! Make sure you get very emotionally attached to these guys. They will be with you for the next 17 weeks. Your significant other may not be though. You really should’ve remembered that anniversary.
8. Check your lineup
In addition to setting a reminder for your anniversary next year, you should set a reminder to check your team every week before Sunday at 1 pm.
9. THERE ARE THURSDAY NIGHT GAMES?!
Since when? The last 10 years or so? No way! Really!?
10. Remember your research
Well, Week 1 is over because you didn’t set your lineup in time. BUT…remember that RB you saw in the preseason? The best RB in the league went down with what appeared to be a severed leg and YOUR GUY went off for four touchdowns in the second half. Now…how do waivers work again…?
11. Maintain emotional attachment in the face of season-ending injuries
Be loyal to your players. Having the 12th waiver spot didn’t help the cause. That’s ok. Your emotional attachment to your players on the IR with broken bones perfectly represents the status of your personal life.
12. Lose focus after it gets boring after the first few weeks
You are 0-4 and exhausted trying to keep up. You feel hopeless. It seems like you’ll lose from here on out. Just focus on something a little more promising like your career.
13. Lose your password
Spend an entire workday trying to figure it out. See if you can get the company’s IT department to help you out. Company resources are meant to help you personally.
14. Lose the league
Commish just texted that you have clinched last place and your punishment will be next weekend. Oh, no. When pictures of last year’s punishment went on Instagram, you had to legally change your name. Not Instagram name…the name your parents gave you.
15. Lose your friends
They enjoyed the punishment too much. Like it was overboard.
16. Lose your significant other
Seeing a picture of you taking the SATs dressed like a Smurf shockingly didn’t help convince them you were on the path to becoming a responsible adult and lifelong partner.
17. Lose your job
Turns out that giving IT your passwords can backfire. Maybe you shouldn’t have been making terrible waiver claims during your annual performance review. They can check that stuff.
18. Do it all again next year
When Commish texts you “That was fun. You in again next year?” Say, “So fun. Def in!”
19. Cry into your favorite Jaguars jersey
Thanks for reading End of the Bench! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support our work.